


And He Was Beautiful

by SterlingSilverSaveWithoutTheSilver



Category: Jrock, Visual Kei - Fandom, the GazettE
Genre: M/M, Rape, Rape Recovery, Triggers, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-02-10 14:42:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2028882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SterlingSilverSaveWithoutTheSilver/pseuds/SterlingSilverSaveWithoutTheSilver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You know we can always help you, right? Don't try to take it all on yourself."<br/>Takanori knew how to hide secrets. But this secret was getting difficult to hide.<br/>The filth was growing. From the inside out, and it's becoming noticeable among his friends.<br/>How many people does Takanori have to push away until the filth has covered him from head to toe?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Studio Job

         When teachers in the past would encourage students to write by telling them to just let the words flow, they never told us what to do if the flow was fucked up. I couldn't even think right now. My mind was too chaotic and I couldn't make sense of it at all. Writing about how hard it is to write would be funny but not necessarily GazettE material. I'm sure the others would be concerned too if their vocalist lost his touch with poetry. I'd be wasting their time with a song like that.  
My eyes started to hurt from staring at a blank Word page on my laptop but I had to get something going tonight or we'd be behind...again. I suddenly felt a little bit of fuzz brush my ankle and I smiled. Finally, something to distract me. I looked over my laptop to see a little ball of fur curled up against me.  
        "I could write about you, Koron, ne?" His eyes opened a smidge when he heard his name but slowly closed again. I knew he was getting tired, but since I was still up he wanted to be awake too. A song about my dog would be fun, maybe add some light to our rather dark side. My thoughts were interrupted by the vibration of my phone. It seemed ten times louder since it was on side table, and with it being glass and all, it made me jump a little. I sighed with relief, trying to calm my mini heart attack. I certianly wasn't in the mood to be bothered while in writer's block. I closed my laptop and laid it next to me on the couch. In the process, driving my already startled Koron away from the sudden movement of my feet while trying reaching for my phone.

        "Hello?" I asked with extra questionable emphasis as I eyed the clock that flashed 2:37am.  
     

        "Ne, Nori, did you not see it was me?" The voice sounded like Kai, and I was instantly embarrassed at how curious the greeting I gave him was. Why wouldn't our leader be calling in the middle of the night? I erased the sarcasm from my mind so I wouldn't throw it at Yutaka's way. "Everyone else has gone to sleep, I figured you'd be the only one up besides me."

        "Yeah, sorry Yutaka. I sort of rushed when I answered and didn't look at ID. What's up?"  
"I just wanted to let you know that all of our arrangements for the world tour have been finalized. Also, if you and I could meet at the studio tomorrow for final song checks." _No, I don't want to. You do it._

        "Yeah sure, what time?"

        "We should get there by 11:00, so I'll come by 10:30 and give you a ride, okay?"

        "Yeah, that's fine." I looked at Koron and made my hand into a gun and pretended to shoot myself. He gave me a small bark. I was getting ready to say my excuse to get off the phone until Yutaka beat me to the punch, but not nessarcarily with a goodbye.

       "It's really good to hear from you Nori. I missed actually talking to you." _That caught me off guard. Where was this coming from all of a sudden?_ "You've pretty unresponsive lately, only worried about work. You know, you need a social life as well. But I get it. With the world tour coming up, I would expect that you would be stressed out. Just don't stress yourself out too much, okay?" _I was completely speechless. I haven't been that distant, have I?_

      "What's with this all of a sudden, Yutaka?" He's acting like Akira has been lately. He called me three times the other day just to make sure I was okay. It was fucking bizarre. Everyone seemed to be acting like this around me. Just then Yutaka broke my train of thought.

      "I've been worried about you lately. You just seem to be in this sort of trance, like you space out a lot more than you usually do." He chuckled a little, "I hope it isn't the world tour that's gotten you like this."  
   

      "No, I'm fine. It's just—."

      "You always say you're fine. You know that's the biggest lie among the entire human race. No one is ever just fine with the facial expressions you give on a daily basis." I ball my fist up. I hate getting interrupted. I needed him to stop interrogating me but if I just excuse myself with the "I'm getting really tired" speech, he'll bring it up tomorrow.

      "Look, I'm not a chick Yutaka. When I say I'm fine. I'm fine, really. I am a bit anxious about the world tour. And it could be affecting how I act around you guys and I'm sorry. I'll try to be more involved."

      "Why do you always look sad or depressed?"

      "You want me to smile 24/7? Trust me Yutaka, it's a bunch of bull when they say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. I'm content. I've been trying to think of more songs to write, I'm having a little writer's block and it's scaring me." _Good one._

      "You know we can always help you, right? Don't try to take it all on yourself." My heart beat slowed down. He bought it. Now I can ease my way out of this.

      "Yeah I know, but I've tackled writer's block before. I can handle it."

     "Alright then, if you need to talk you know you can call me. So, tomorrow then? I'll see you then, goodbye Nori. Try to go to sleep." I can hear the smile on his voice. I'm glad he made himself feel better thinking he helped me. It made me happy.

     "Yeah, tomorrow. Goodbye." I hung up the phone after we said our goodbyes. I love Yutaka but honestly he was too watchful. I noticed I had three text messages. They were from Akira. It was too late to reply back but I could always see what he had to say.

**NOSELESS: Hey, you. Busy? 10:40am.**  
 **NOSELESS: Fixed up my bike. Wondering if you wanted to take a ride? 10:54am.**  
 **NOSELESS: Guess you're busy. Give your mutt a kiss for me, lol. 11:30am.**

      The last made me a little happy that I did miss these. He was a mutt, I wanted to tell him. But he was probably asleep. My mind finally caught up with my body.

   "Okay, I'm tired. Ready for bed Koron-Chan?"  
I shutdown my computer and carried him to the bedroom. I felt like having a bath before I went to sleep. I was starting to feel that filth again. I guess the shower I had this morning had no affect on it. I gently tossed Koron onto my bed and he curled up, messing up the sheets. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the light to see myself in the mirror. God, I looked terrible.  
     I haven't had enough sleep lately, this will have to be a quick soak. I decided bubbles would be the best way to relax my body. I could instantly feel the heat from the water rushing from the faucet. I took off my clothes and tried not to turn around and look in mirror. I welcomed the tingling sensation as my feet were the first to enter the sauna-like water. This was exactly what I needed. I could feel my face getting hot but I liked it. The thought of waking up tomorrow crossed my mind and I sunk further into the tub. Hoped that the more submerged I was in I could hide from clock and sleep through it. _I guess I could wake up at 9:00, that'll give me an hour to get ready. And whose to say that Yutaka will show up exactly at 10:00. I'm not as slow as Uruha but still an hour is not enough time for me to get ready. I just don't want to get up tomorrow morning._

      I closed my eyes and tried to think of something other than my early morning commute. Unfortunately it was the only thing my mind was on at the moment. Which is a lot better than what it was usually on. My brain began to toy with me as I saw some well deserved repressed memories. Stars. Faint light. The smell of sweat. I told myself to forget these memories but I kept seeing, feeling, and smelling all of it. I could feel water enter my nose. I jolted up in the tub, to see that water was pouring down my face. I rubbed my eyes. I was completely under water! Was I that tired? I don't really remember sinking very far in. But once I was sitting up the images stopped flooding my mind. I did say this was going to be a quick soak, so this will be the end of my bath.  
     My clothes clung to my body in some places. I guess I didn't dry myself completely, but I was too tired to care right now. I moved Koron little off my side and laid down on top of the sheets. I looked towards my window. The shades were pulled down but only a smidge of light shone through. It reminded me of—.  
 

    "No, go to sleep. Just go to sleep." I needed to sleep if I had to get up tomorrow. If only my mind was on the same page as my body was. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      I waited for Yutaka to show up. 10:45. I guess I shouldn't have taken him so literal. I was a little anxious to get out of the house right now. Koron could see how impatient I was because he was pacing around the living room. I smiled at him. He brings me so much solace, that I even forget that night.

_**BUZZ!** _

      I jumped at the sound of my phone. Finally. My mind is erased as I answered it to cease the buzzing.

     "Hello, Yutaka."

     "Gomen, Taka, Sorry I'm late. But I'm here now!"

     "Alright, I'll be down soon." I hung up before he could say bye and grabbed my bag. "Bye, baby!"

      I said to Koron and he gave me a small whine. I locked the door as I went down. I feel like I haven't left my apartment in years. I walked by some guy on the way to the elevator and gripped my bag tightly to myself. I felt like I couldn't interact with people I didn't already know. I used to be quite talkative but now... I pressed the button to the ground floor and held onto the railing. I should've taken the stairs.

      I see Yutaka's car out front and smile. I was glad to see him actually. I needed someone to talk to. "Hi." I said quickly as I sat in the front seat. His car is cold, but it wasn't that hot outside. "It's cold in here."

     "Is it? Sorry!" He turned the AC down. "Good morning, Nori. Did you sleep well." As we drove off, he continued to ask questions that I had fake answers to. _No Yutaka, I didn't sleep well. But I hope you did. Why didn't I sleep well? Well, I can't tell you that._ My mouth refused to open. I was lucky that Yutaka was able to talk me numb on our way to the studio. His vibrant voice was able to tune out my distraughted thoughts. Maybe I should keep him around more often. I started to rub my eyes because I could feel how heavy and itchy they were.  
   

   "Nori, you shouldn't rub your eyes like that. Use a tissue, you can infect them that way." I shouldn't have let people call me that.

   "I'm fine Uke, don't worry about me." That name always made my stomach hurt.

   "Are we using last names now?" He chuckled as he got out of the car and went to open mine as I was already preoccupied with rubbing my eyes. I wanted to scratch them out.

   "Okay, Matsumoto." He chuckled again, ignoring the hidden annoyed face that I masked with a smile. What's wrong with Takanori? Maybe I should just hide behind Ruki? He's better at this than I am. We walked through the doors together. The hall was quite. I didn't like quite. "Hey why don't you go into the studio. I'm going to get some coffee."  
I nodded and turned on my heel. I walked towards the door which wasn't that far. I opened light brown door. _Oh my god._

   "Hey Taka!" He exclaimed.

   "Suzuki, what are you doing here?" I hoped he wouldn't bring up the fact that I didn't respond to him yesterday. I actually felt really bad that I had ignored him like that. But honestly, I didn't know he texted me, but he didn't seem very angry. I should keep formal though incase he was just trying to make me feel better.

   "Cut the Suzuki crap dude. Is that what you call your friends? By their last names?" He laughed. His smile cut straight through me. Akira. What a golden ray of sunshine. What was he so happy about? I envied him. "Yutaka left me a message on my phone. Said he might need help with some things. I saw that neither Kou, or Yuu came. Heh, it figures." I just watched him do all the things that I may have been burdened to do. Should I thank him or punch him in the face for wasting my time. I rolled my eyes when he wasn't looking and heard the door open.

    "Aki! I didn't know you'd be here. Thought you might've just stayed home." _What's with Yutaka's nicknames?_

    "I hope I didn't cause any problems. Especially for someone as busy as Taka." I don't think I could've rolled my eyes any harder. He chuckled and walked over to us. I haven't moved since I came in.

    "No, you haven't caused any problems. They're more things to be done before we can continue. We want to make sure this world tour is at its best. We could use some help. Right, Nori?" I nodded and walked away from the suffocating duo. They're happy moods were killing my self esteem, I had to get away from them. I put my bag in a chair and took off my sunglasses. I wondered if I had bags under my eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   The day was long. Filled with set list decisions and last rehearsal dates this month. The hairstylists, and make-up artists that were going to make the voyage overseas. That I painfully recognized. My heart jumped into my throat. I could feel my ears heating up and my heart raced. It felt like it could pierce through my chest. He was going to be hairstylist. My hairstylist.

    "We knew how specific you are about your hair Nori, and I wanted to make sure you had the best guy with you." Yutaka said once he noticed my confusion while going over the list of people coming. "Who is Tetsuya Ano?" I asked. I hoped that maybe there was different guy with the same name. Akria chuckled.

    "The guy you ran off with at the party we went to a few months ago? Were you that drunk you didn't even catch his name." Oh god you remember don't you!? Ruki screamed at me. The name slammed me up against a wall.

    "Yeah, I remember."


	2. Jet Lag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've been suffering from writer's block. It has made me scared that I may not be able to write like I do anymore. That's all." Akira looked away for a second, as if he was trying to hide the frustration of not being able to get through to me. I could tell that he could tell I was lying. He looked back at me and I tried to look for any signs of him accepting the lie as the truth. He didn't buy it. I gripped the arm seat a little.

 

        "Don't look at me like that." I told him as I packed his food, bed, and some toys. A small whine came out from him again. "Ne, Koron this hurts me more than it hurts you trust me. I'd take you if I could but people lose their luggage on planes all the time. I'd be devastated if anything happened to my baby." I picked him up and held him up to my face. I kissed him. "I love you?" He licked my cheek and I chucked and put him down. Sighing as I looked at the rest of my stuff by the door. It reminded me of what I dreaded the most about this trip. "It's just a month." I told myself but a month seemed like an eternity. "Okay, let's go."

        I knocked on the door of my most trusted neighbour.

       "Ah, Takanori! I'm so honored you've entrusted me with such responsibility." Ms. Akiyama, the widow a couple doors down. She lost her husband to throat cancer 6 years ago. And she didn't seem to have much family. Well I never saw anyone visit her so I thought that Koron would be at least _some_ company for her.

      "Well, you're the only person in this building that I trust to take care of him. Now, he does have a particular routine that I have him on. Which seemed to be easier for me to handle. So it shouldn't be too hard. He usually eats 5 cups of his food a day. So that's 2 1/2 in the morning and another at night." I set some of the stuff down in a place she preferred to have it. Her place was sort of elderly feeling. Koron stayed near my feet, afraid to wander his temporary home. I think Ms. Akiyama noticed his hesitation.

     "We'll be good friends, ne?" She said bending down a little to get close to him. He seemed uninterested in her. "You seem to baby him too much. You almost treat him as your own child." _Ugh. Shut up._ I told my stubborn consciousness. I agreed a little, I did baby him.

     "But that's because he is my baby." I said, trying to mask my annoyance with a smile. She bought it.

     "Well I'm sure when you get married and have kids of your own you'll think differently." Yeah, right. I'm not thinking about getting married. Let alone kids. I shuddered at the thought.

     "Okay, also he needs to get a walk in everyday. He's little so he won't need to walk so long. Also if you leave, put him in his cage or he'll tear up the entire place. He has abandonment issues." She nodded, taking mental notes as I told her more specifics of Koron's daily life.

      "I think that should be all. You have my number if you need to call me. I have to go now, or I'll be late."

     "Alright, travel safely!" She said smiling. I waved to Koron. I knew not to get too sappy with our goodbyes or he'll cry the entire time I'm gone. I didn't want to leave her with that kind of burden.

       I went back to my place to quickly grab my luggage case, backpack, and bag. I checked to see if everything was in order. And headed out. _I'm too small to be carrying things like this. And it looks like I'll have to take the elevator._ The elevator seemed like it was always crowed. Even if I was the only one on. The doors opened and I saw some of the people who would help the luggage. They came over to me and took the large cases I rolled with me.

     "Thank God. I can't pull these anymore. Thank you." One nodded, the other said your welcome. And I continued to go ahead and head for the tour van. It wasn't bright outside, but I kept my sunglasses on. It also had the gift of covering my tired eyes. The door opened for me which made me jump a little. It was Kouyou.

    "Get in slow poke." Ignored him and got into the van and sat down at my own pace. Didn't have much say in picking my spot since I was the last to get picked up. But I was, of course, right next to Akira. He smiled at me.

    "Saved a seat for you." Don't make me scratch that fucking smile off your face.

    "Thanks." I said nonchalantly. I could feel Yuu get close to my ear.

    "Get enough sleep? You sound tired. I hope you aren't going to be pissy our entire way there."

    "You keep talking, I just might." I've been hating Yuu, for awhile now. He keeps bringing up my assumed hook up a few months ago. It makes me sick. One, to think that I would ever "hook up" with anyone. And two, to have assumed that it was actually consWe have a 30 minute or so drive to Narita Airport. Maybe I could fall asleep in here. I put my head back and try to relax

    "At least try to stay awake until we get on the plane, Taka." Akira said to me. "You can relax once you're officially seated. We're only going to be in here for a half an hour." I guess he was right. As long as Yuu kept his mouth shut then I wouldn't have a problem. I haven't been sleeping very well for awhile. Ever since I found out who would be joining us on the world tour, I've had terrible night terrors and have been crying myself to sleep. Koron noticed this too but his usual efforts of comfort didn't work on me. I felt bad for him. But maybe he'd get a break from me, while he's with Ms. Akiyama.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     The ride to the airport was painless. I didn't have to listen to Yuu talk shit and I ended up apologizing to Akira about missing his texts the other day.

    "I assumed you were taking care of your little mutt. Is he going to be okay without your five star treatment." I rolled my eyes and walked away from him. I was getting annoyed with him calling Koron a mutt. Akira was nice but he was always demeaning Koron. He's lucky those stupid birds of his aren't in Koron's presense. We finally make it to airport security and suddenly I get scared. I definitely don't have anything to hide but I'm still scared about these things. Like, what if they mistake something and I have to go through random screening. A security guard snapped me back to reality.

   "Sir, could you please put your carry on through security screening." Oh shit. "Sorry, yeah sure." I put my bag inside the tub and they move it through. I have to start paying attention. My mind has been failing to concentrate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Finally I made it through security and I see everyone sitting in the waiting area. I see Kouyou on his phone and I realize that I haven't really talked to him in a long time. This was probably what Yutaka meant.

   "Hi, Kouyou." I said, feeling extremely shy.

   "Hey, there. What's wrong?" _Why is everyone asking that? Is it that obvious!_ I sit down next to him and shake my head.

   "Nothing, I just thought that you were mad at me for making us late." He laughed.

   "No, I wasn't mad at you. I guess you need to get used to my sarcasm all over again seeing as we haven't talked to each other in months." _Geez_. "But we were earlier than I thought so I should apologize for teasing you." He hugged tightly. "I'm sorry, Taka-chan!" I push him of playfully.

   "Stop! You're crushing me you dork." He chuckled and went back to playing on his phone. I caught myself smiling in a mirror across the room. I stopped. And then remembered what was waiting for me. I turned away from Kouyou's direction and looked around. I saw Yutaka talking to Akira, and Yuu was being snooty again with some of the paretakers. But I knew what I was looking for. Who I was looking for. I hoped that I wouldn't find him. _Why are you looking for him!? You know he's here!_ The less I have to see the better. But before I lowered my eyes, I caught him. Tetsuya. I covered my mouth to stop myself from screaming but instantly lowered it and looked around to see if anyone saw me. I tried to calm down but it was getting hard. I turned back to Kouyou. "Um, K-kouyou? When do we have to board the plane?" I was lucky he didn't look up because when I looked into the mirror that was across the room I could see that my face was flushed and I slightly shaking.

   "In 20 minutes. You have to go to the bathroom?" He asked, still his eyes were glued to his phone.

   "Uh, yeah. Be right back." I got up and walked quickly. I tried to not to look at Tetsuya again but my eyes betrayed me and glanced at his direction. I rushed in the bathroom stall. Almost bumped into someone. I felt like I was having a panic attack. _Oh god, what's happening to me!_ My eyes started to burn as tears poured down my face. I grabbed some toilet paper wiped my face. I needed to get my face cleaned up. I couldn't have anyone asking questions. I left the stall and looked in the mirror. _You're so weak, just tell someone already and end all this crying._ "No." I whispered. I put some water on my face. It made me look decent. I dried off with some paper towel. I came out of the bathroom and saw that time hadn't changed. Which was good because it felt like I was in the bathroom for quite some time. I went over to my seat and tried to relax. Sinking down in my seat, in an almost sulking manner. I closed my eyes and exhaled rather hard.

    "Airplane jitters?" A voice asked. A voice that could only belong to Akira. I opened my eyes and looked next to. I sat up.

    "Are you okay?"

    "Yes, I wish people would stop asking me that."

    "Just making sure. You worried me when you didn't answer my texts."

   "Or your phone calls. I'm not a baby you know. I can take care of myself." Akira just smiled. But it was more of a concerned smile.

  **"Those who are first class on the flight to Mexico, you are boarding now."**

    _Finally._ I got up and grabbed my bag and walked past Akira and away from Kouyou. I was the first to board the plane and I sat down in the front. Usually people like the back so I'll be lucky if everyone sat in the back. I had a seat by the window which was good, I could be distracted by the clouds. That's when my luck suddenly changed. Akira sat down right next to me. _Oh god._

    "Look, isn't your seat somewhere back there?" I said to him while still looking out the window. Maybe he'd catch the hint and fucking leave.

    "Yeah, but I've noticed you've been a bit out of it. Maybe I can keep you company?"

    "You don't have to keep me company. Go back to your seat." Akira chuckled. I could feel myself give a smirk as I looked in his direction.

    "You seem more annoyed of me today than you were a the other day at the studio." I smiled a little again. _Alright Akira. I guess I'll entertain you awhile._

    "You don't annoy me...all the time."

    "Oh?"

    "I've just been tired lately. Not necessarily in the mood." Akira nodded and before he could say anything, my stupid mouth continued with it's involuntary blathering. "Not like I could go to sleep anytime soon anyway."

    "Well we got some hours on us, you'll fall asleep sooner or later." I nodded. There's announcement about seat belts. I already had mine on but Akira buckled himself in. I hated take offs. They made my ears pop and stomach move. But soon enough we were in the air. I went through my wallet and tried to avoid more converation with Akira. I find a picture I took of Koron. I smiled. I wondered how my baby was doing.

    "Ah, how is the little mutt? You never answered me the first time." I closed my wallet gave Akira my best glare.

    "He. Is. Not. A. Mutt. But how are your little flying rats? They haven't flown away yet?"

    "Afraid not. I'm keeping them in prison." I could hear the sarcasm in his voice and it made me laugh a little. It felt good.

    "Mmm, how rude of you." I pulled out my headphones. "I'm sure we could continue this enlightening conversation about our pets and their cruel caretakers, but I'm getting sleepy so, yeah." Akira chuckled his famous chuckle.

    "That's fine. It was just good to talk to you. Sleep well." There that was again. Have I been ignoring everyone so much? How come I didn't notice it? Maybe I didn't want to notice it. I put my headphones in and tried to drift to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      _Shit!_ I wake to a sudden shake. The lights are dimmed so I figured everyone else must be asleep. _Damn, turbulence._

    "Get enough sleep, princess?" My eyed widened and looked to my left. Akira was still sitting where I left him.

    "I could've sworn you went back to your fucking seat."

    "Language young man. I was talking to Kouyou but he started to tired and everyone else was asleep. So I figured you'd wake up soon and we could talk some more." He smiled, a very warm kind of smile too."

    "Well, maybe you should sleep. You'll be tired."

    "It's worth it if that means I can talk to you." _Fuck._

    "I don't like where this is going. What do you want to talk about?"

   "Well, if we're going to start trying to be friends again maybe we could start with why you've been acting so depressed, annoyed by everyone around you." I felt my heart jump. _Oh please Akira. Don't cross this line right now. Please._ I needed to think of something to move his suspicions away from seriousness.

   "I've been suffering from writer's block. It has made me scared that I may not be able to write like I do anymore. That's all." Akira looked away for a second, as if he was trying to hide the frustration of not being able to get through to me. I could tell that he could tell I was lying. He looked back at me and I tried to look for any signs of him accepting the lie as the truth. He didn't buy it. I gripped the arm seat a little.

   "I...see. Well what usually inpsires you?" I sigh. It was a very breathy sigh, unmasked hint of relief.

   "Um, personal experiences, weather, news, stuff like that."

   "You could write about your writer's block?" I chuckled but tried to hide in attempt to not wake everyone up.

   "Oh look, I made you laugh. I've missed that cute smile of yours. Now I can cross that off my bucket list. Maybe I'll be able to die in peace." _Bucket list? What else is on that list?... Stop, you're paranoid about your friends now._

   "You've made me laugh before."

   "Yeah, but not recently. You've been so lost in thought lately, I can't even hold your attention before. Now, we're actually talking." My smile fades away, and I look at my shoes. I felt embarrassed and sorry that I had been ignoring Akira for this long. We've been friends for years and I had been treating him like crap ever since that night.

   "Yeah..."

   "A little writer's block doesn't do that to someone. You've had writer's block before and I was able to talk to you just fine. I was even able to hug you." His voice was soft. He didn't have his signature smile on his face and it scared me. "I was still able to talk to you without receiving on of your newly gifted eye rolls."

   "I don't want to talk about it really." I tried to hide the tears in my voice.

  "It's really hard to explain. But please, don't worry about it. I'm sorry that I've been treating you so wrongly."

  "I'm not the only one. The rest of the band feels this way too. I'm just the only who has probably had the balls to take this far as to tell you straight up."

  "Well, Kouyou and Yutaka have mentioned it but I didn't know it was this bad. But...thanks for letting me know." I couldn't say anything else. I just looked at my phone. Absentmindedly playing with the home button. I heard Akira sigh.

  "I hope your phone is on airplane mode or we're going down. And I'll annoy in the after-life." I looked at him and his smile was back. I smiled at him.

  "Thanks."


	3. You Have A Sixth Sense

         Mexico City. I wish I could enjoy so, but my worries were overfilled by the events of last night. Taking to Akira on the plane has made me feel better but I haven't said a word to him since. Not even before the live. I avoided him when it came to fanservice, and I went right back in the tour van after the live. I could see it in his face though. He wanted to talk to me but maybe he was backing off a little bit. But that wasn't the reason I was so distraught. It was something that happened before the live while we were all getting ready and had our outfits on. I was trying to prolong my hair getting done but it was getting close to the live and I needed it done now. I walked into the backstage room and saw Tetsuya and I froze. I walked over to him and just tried to sit down without any words exchanged between us. My heart stops when I hear his voice. 

        "Takanori? Long time no see, ne?" I clinched my fists and tried to hold back my tears. "How about we get your hair done, ne?" I didn't think he saw me nod. I could feel his hands begin to touch my hair and I closed my eyes. It was like a burning sensation and it surged throughout my body. I heard Yuu voice and I had the urge to run. 

        "Hey, Taka? Don't pout like that! You'll hurt Tetsuya-kun's feelings!" _His feelings!? Yuu, I could strike you down right now!_  He patted Tetsuya's back and they both smiled. I felt like I could rip their smiles off. I relaxed and opened my eyes. My hair was looking the way I wanted it too. And hated the fact that it was Tetsuya who knew how to do it. 

        "Thank you for doing my hair."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        We were now headed for someplace to shop. Yuu, Akira, and I. I wished that Kouyou could've came instead of Yuu. I wasn't really in the mood to deal with his mouth. 

        This looks nice, ne?" Akira asked me. I looked at what he was holding. It was a black and white bag. It's pretty. Perfect size to fit Koron. I started to smile but stopped. 

        "It's alright." I started to go my own way until he said something. 

        "I thought we were going to work on talking again? Or was it just talk so you'd get me to leave you alone?" I looked back and expected to see a serious, maybe even hurt expression. But all I saw was his famous warm smile. It made me want to cry that he was trying to so hard. But I have to protect myself.

        "No, it-it wasn't." I stopped myself because I could feel tears start invade my eyes and there was a huge lump in my throat that stopped from saying what I wanted. I tried to form what I could into words but before I could the store owner comes by to show me some things I might be interested in. I turned away from Akira and smiled a fake smile. I acted like I was interested but I really wanted to talk to Akira but he walked away afterwards. I watched him venture throughtout the store. Not really observing to find anything he liked. He was probably thinking about a way to confront me again. Yuu on the other hand was into shopping and almost had an armful of items. I tried to look at some of the stuff but it was hard to concentrate when all I could think about was Akira.  _Why are you thinking about him like this all of a sudden?_  I needed to clear my head. 

        I decided to step outside of the shop and sit down on a near-by bench. _I get that Akira cares, but why so much. Why would he care about what's wrong with me?_  Yuu hasn't seemed to notice much. Well to the point where he'd take anything seriously. At least that's one headache gone. 

        "You didn't buy anything either, huh?" I picked up my sulking head and looked up at Akira. He was smiling this time but he was sad too. I shook my head and held it in my hands. I had a headache. Yuu comes out excited with a lot of bags. I quickly pick my head up when I heard the rustling of plastic.  _Geez, and I thought I was bad._

        "Alright," Yuu began. "Should we head to another shop?" Akira smiled

        "Sure!" 

        "Actually, I'm going to head back to the hotel. I'm getting tired." I lied.

        "You're such a buzz kill. Come on Akira." I smiled at them both and  was beginning to head the other direction. 

        "You okay?" Akira asked

        "Yeah, I'm fine. Just feeling a bit sick." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        My breathing had finally settled. I was buried beneath the many blankets that were on my bed. I wanted to go to sleep, but it was only 6:07pm. I'd be up all night if I slept now. We were headed to next country tomorrow. I couldn't look like I was tired or everyone would ask questions. I put the blankets over my head, as if I was trying to disappear. 

**_BUZZ!_**   _Oh god, now what!?_

        "Hello?" I asked, and made sure I had an extra hint of annoyance on my voice.

        "Oh, Taka. Sorry were you asleep?" It was Yutaka. 

        "A little, why?"

        "Are you hungry? We were all going to get something to eat." 

        "N-." My stomach screamed at me. Like it was telling me not to lie, at least this time. "Yeah, I'll be there in a minute."

        I hung up, and I sighed deeply. I didn't want to get up. I just got comfortable. Maybe I should've lied. Skipping a meal isn't all bad. But I ignored my laziness and got up. I grabbed my bag nd headed to the lobby. I took the stairs.

        "There he is, finally! And I thought I was slow." Kouyou commented as he was the first to spot me. "What took you so long?" 

        "I took the stair, I had a stomach ache and thought the elevator would mess with it. Didn't want to take any chances." I said innocently. Kouyou nodded and walked back over to Yutaka. I pretended to be occupied as I looked for nothing inside my bag but that didn't stop Akira was waltzing over to me.

        "Are you feeling better?" I felt him get closer to me. "Or were you lying about that too?" He whispers. My eyes lifted up away from my bag and I glare at him. _The **fuck**  did he just say to me?_ I felt extremely insulted and I could feel it all over my face. I struggled with the urge to punch his teeth in but instead I walked away, shaking my head.  ** _Fuck_** _you Akira._

        "Oh yeah," Yutaka spoke up just as we were about to leave. "I invited Tetsuya since he's new to us I want him to feel like he can be comfortable around. Not too comfortable I hope. I gritted my teeth.  _Great, now I have to deal with this guy too._  I could feel Akira's eyes on me. I wanted to give him the finger but I stopped myself. Tetsuya showed up and greeted everyone like the good person he was. His eyes looked at me, and I quickly looked away. I wish everyone would stop looking at me. 

        "Alright guys let's go." Yutaka annouced. I trailed behind them on purpose to avoid awkward conversation but I noticed Akira started to purposely fall behind as well. I didn't know why, they all seemed to be in such a engaged conversation. I smiled though I was still pissed, I'm glad he acknowledged me. 

        "God, that guy is a little overbearing don't you think?" He asked, I knew he was talking about Tetsuya because he was over bearing. 

        "Extremely."

        ""I'm sorry about earlier. I felt bad right after I said it. I shouldn't be be pressuring I'm sure you'll be ready to tell someone soon." I smiled.

        "Thanks Akira, that means a lot." Akira smiled back. We talked the rest of the way there. Had a more convincing talk about our pets. Turned out he didn't always leave them in their cages and he was quite surprised when I told that Koron was spending time with a nice neighbor. W _hich reminds me, Ms. Akiyama hasn't called me in awhile I hope things are going well._ We arrive at the restaurant and the smell warms me.

        Once we got our table and food, I was so hungry anymore. I was suddenly afriad of trying new food and I didn't want it to be terrible in front of everyone. I also didn't know what to try. I think Akira noticed this because he passed over one of the dishes we had ordered. 

        "Try it." He says with a smile. "Trying new things, especially food, is fun and this is good trust me." I smiled at him. It was good, and I think Akira smile had something to do with it. I could see Yuu looking at both of us.

        "Really Taka? Akira?" Akira looked at him but I kept my eyes away. I was already boiling but tred to keep my cool.  _Damn it Yuu._  "You guys have zero decency! Taka, Tetsuya is right here! After everythin-!"

        "Thanks...Shiroyama. I can see that he's here. Akira and I were just talking, so if you don't mind. Could  _you_  stop?" Akira chuckled a small chuckle. I smirked a little and went back to eating. Yuu dropped it after that. And no one really bothered Akira and I. We continued talking about the food and ended up talking about Koron.

        "Hey," he whispered to me. "I need a smoke, want to come outside with me?" I nodded and he took my hand. Shocks surged through my hand and up my arm. It felt weird but a good weird. I didn't what was with this, Akira and I, but I hoped that we could be friends again. 

        We were both outside smoking and he ended up finishing first. 

        "Be right back okay, I'm going to see how the guys are doing and if they're ready to leave." I nodded and continued my smoke. It started to calm my nerves and I finally had felt at ease. That was when Tetsuya came outside with a huge smile on his face. Probably from laughing at something Yuu said but when he looked at me his smile vanished. I could hear him clear his throat and his steps slowed as he carefully approached me.

        "Hey, Taka." He said, but I didn't listen. "Look, I wanted to say this before but I never knew how."  _If you're going to say 'you're sorry' in a that pathetic voice of yours don't bother._ "Well, what I'm trying to say is, y'know. No hard feelings right? I mean it didn't mean anything or whatever, it was just that one time." I threw my cigarette on the ground, suddenly felt sick of it. Or maybe it was the words that just escaped this guy's mouth.

        "Did you say,  _no hard feelings_?" I asked him, finally not afraid of looking at him. I laughed and pained laugh and walked a few steps away from him.

        "Yeah, I mean it wasn't supposed to be anything serious if that's what you thought." 

        "I thought no such thing! And you knew what you did! Don't act like it was something normal...  _this...this..._  I can't believe you just said that!" I yelled, tears choked my throat. Akira came back out with the rest of the gang and I had subconciously walked over to Akira's side. I looked away so I could hide my tears but I think Akira could sense the strong tension. 

        "Hey, Taka, you okay?" Akira asked but didn't take his eyes off of Tetsuya. I spoke through my tears.

        "I'm fine, just tired. Can we go?" The  _filth_  was crowding again. I thought I had left that back home. I looked at him, not even attempting to hide my flushed, wet face from him. He nodded and grabbed my hand. 


	4. Heated Confrontation

I remembered that Akira brought me back to my hotel room. He hugged me. I remembered that. He was warm, and smelled very nice. An expert at the soothing, bear hugs that everyone needed everyday in their lives. I actually thought about it all night until sleep overtook me. But the dream I had infected the wound that Akira's anitbiotic hug tried to heal.

_My hair sticking to my face due to sweat. It was so hot but it felt good. I guess I was a little drunk. I could hear Kouyou's drunken voice somewhere but he was getting quietier as I was getting pulled by someone. The strong tug on my wrist made me think that whoever this person wanted from me must have been urgent. I giggled at my drunked state. I hadn't went drinking in a long time. I should thank Kouyou and Akira tomorrow if I remembered. There were too many people dancing and bumping into people was getting on my nerves. I wanted to stop the guy that was pulling me but I forgot his name. I giggled to myself again. We were just making out a little while ago and I don't even know his name. I spotted Akira talking to some girls, and the smile that I had before was wiped clean._

_"Taka!" He called out and I flipped him off. I didn't need him. I felt like I could do anything, even move on from my ridiculous crush. Maybe it was the alcohol talking because I felt like I should go apologize to him. 'Taka'? The way he said it didn't sound like a inviting call out, more like a-- umm-- Oh who gives a shit! He has his little whores right? A rush of cold air hit me and I could tell we were outside._

_"Umm..." I tried to form a sentence. "W-where are I... I mean we going?" I giggled._

_"Don't worry you'll like it." The mystery man said. Well he wasn't really a mystery, he had his tongue down my throat so I'd say we knew each other pretty well. The music from the club was so far back I could only hear the bass. We went in what I think was park, we were on a trail. It was so dark but I could see light ahead. 'Oh this guy is romantic, are we going by the pond and listen to the frogs.' I always wanted to do that with Akira. 'Oh stop it Takanori. You're over him!' But before I knew it we went past the pond._

_"Wait, I want the pond!" I said, sounding like a child. I heard him laugh_

_"Christ, you're drunk, Thats good though." 'Why is that good?' I saw two other guys in front of us. We were approaching them in an abandoned part of the park. We were far from the pond, far from the club, far from people. I stared to get suspicious. "Hey guys. Isn't he hot?" He gripped my arm roughly showing me off to his friends. I struggled against his large hand because he started to hurt my arm. "I told you I could Ruki from the GazettE here." The mystery man said._

_"Yeah, and so you did. He looks wasted." One guy said. He rubbed his crotch. He had a hard-on and so did the other guy. "So, who goes first?"_

_"First...for what?" I asked before I was pushed down onto the gravel._

I woke up with a start. There was loud banging on the door and a voice that sounded like Kouyou. My head was hurting really and I felt dizzy. Damn it. Food poisoning. Fucking Akira. The banging gave another round and the voice on the other end was louder than before.

 

"Would you wait a second!?" I yelled, my voice was heavy with fatigue.

 

"Takanori! What the hell is taking y-!" I opened the door before he could finish his sentence. I was rubbing my eyes and holding my head.

 

"Could you not bang on the door?"

 

"Why aren't you ready we have to go! We're already late because of you!" He pushed his way in and starts to pack my things sloppily. He throws the outfit I had ready and tells me to hurry and change. Yuu peers in and looks at me. My stomach feel funny.

 

"Wow, you look like shit Taka." Yuu says.

"Yuu, help me with Takanori stuff. We have to go. And Taka get dressed, we called you like 4 times. I knew we should've came up here." His voice got quietier like it did before, but I didn't see Akira anywhere. I needed to see him so I could go foward. "And you missed breakfast."

"I can't eat anything anyway." I whispered. Akira? The filth was coming up from inside of me now. The bathroom was in front of me. I rushed in and barely made it to the toilet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat quietly in the tour van. We rushed to the airport. The entire van was quiet. My surgical mask covered my nose and mouth. I told them it was food poisoning but they wanted to be careful anyway. I was the only one in the back and I could see Akira glance back towards me. I was hoping he would stare long enough for me to flip him off. I pulled my beanie down over my ears further. Food poisoing isn't contagious, you dicks. Maybe this was pay back for ignoring the entire band for an undefined period of time. Still I didn't like being treated like I had the Bubonic Plague. I started to wish I was in bed at home, with Koron. We could watch TV together and eat ice cream. My eyes lids were getting heavier the more I thought about my bed at home. I began to doze off but right when I closed my eyes I felt a light tap on my knee.

"We're at the airport. Come on." Akira says. No smile. What's wrong Akira? And why the hell can't I get a decent sleep around this guys. Everyone was out of the van, and I was obviously dragging behind. The jumping feeling in my stomach scared me so I tried to take it easy. But my stomach began to churnch.

"Oh no." I said, panicing. Some of our bans assisstants came and helped me to the lobby of the airport. One of them reassured me that my bags are being taken cared of. I saw Akira going through airport security. He didn't look like his usual self. Before I knew I was already through airport security. Everything was going by too fast. I took my beanie off and ran my fingers threw my hair. I saw everyone sitting down and I decided to walk over and try to talk to them. "It's pretty hot in here isn't it?" I ask. Silence. Silence. Silence. My stomach begins to hurt again. I check the time on my phone. 9:20am. I began to walk to the nearest bathroom.

"You better hurry up Taka.

"I know!" I yell at him. People look at me and I rush to the bathroom stall. I make it to the toilet. I started to cough hard and it turned into crying. I grabbed some toilet paper and wipe my mouth. "Why am I crying?" I ask myself. Maybe it's beginning to all be too much now. Just everything. I shook off the tears and tried to hold back the hiccups as I came out of the stall. I went to the sink, there was someone next to me washing their hands. We didn't look at each other. I cautiously hold my head down and run the faucet. Carried a little water in my hand and brought to my mouth to wash it out. I take my dirtied surgical mask off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally being able to be on the plane, I tried to relax. I was falling asleep and it was beginning to feel very good.

"Taka?" Kouyou. "Taka, I'm sorry about this morning." Don't say anything.

"Mmm, I didn't know you were still talking to me." Damn it, why do I talk?

"I'm sorry? I'm talking to you right now. I was apologizing for my behavior this morning, especially since you were sick." Kouyou's voice tenses up a bit.

"Everyone seemed to be ignoring me back at the airport. So..."

"Well, I guess you know how we've been feeling for the past few months." That's it. The filth is in my voice. I turn to Kouyou. I could feel the anger piercing my face and yet on the verge of tears. I could see Akira getting ready to get up. Hopefully to get Kouyou out of the way before I punch his face in.

"Look, I'm tired of hearing this shit. Over and over again. 'You've been ignoring us, Taka,' or my favorite one, 'It's so good to actually hear you talk'. You wanted to talk me!? Work up the fucking balls...to talk me and see what's wrong. And not at the last minute!" I didn't realize I was yelling until all of first class was quiet. I could feel tears burn my cheeks and my pulse was through the roof. I wanted to take those words back but I knew I couldn't. Why did I have to break now of all times? "I--." I didn't know what to say. Some people were still looking at my and others gradually built their conversations up. Kouyou had went back to his seat before I noticed. "I'm sorry." I whispered. I looked at Akira, who looked at me with caring eyes but then turned away. Wait, please don't. I wanted to say that to Akira. I turn away from the passengers and look out the window. I wasn't able to go to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought about what I said to Kouyou as the fiery sensation in my scalp returned as Tetsuya styled it. My body was tense as Tetsuya's fingers burned every stran of my hair. Ever since I got off the flight, I've been completely lost. I missed Akira but after yelling at his best friend why would he talking to me? Everything was just a blur now. The airport routine, even Tetsuya doing my hair has become a routine. I've been watching the recording of our lives and I can tell that I've changed a lot during that too. My fanservice was completely absent, and any other types of interaction with the band. I was usually able to put aside my issues and perform. But now. I was so lost. In front of my Chilean fans. I would see myself stand there, not singing a single lyircs and then wake back up like I was a computer, trying to restart. I would forget my lines. I would forget that my lines were on stage with me. During some of our calmer songs, I would cry. I think the audience noticed it too because a lot of them wore Akira's face of concern.

After the live, there was no one talking to me again. But I did have to get away from the gaze of my self-proclaimed guardian angel. Someone else was watching me as well. I went outside to have a smoke. It was the only way I could get some fresh air and at the some time get some noctine in me. The smoke was calming my nerves for awhile until Tetsuya came outside as well.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked. The nicotine and anger covered my mouth and decided to speak for me. I looked at him. I took my cigarette out of my mouth and threw in his direction.

"No, I am not okay. Where are your little friends, huh?"

"What are you talking about?" He asked, getting angry. I can get angry too fucker.

"You know exactly what I am talking about, you dick!" He looked around because of my raised voice. Being alone with him wasn't a good idea, I wished there were people around.

"No need to act like a bitch, I was just asking."

"You make me sick." My heart started to race. I could feel my body shaking. "You... don't evere talk to me again. And don't you ever touch me or my hair, okay!?" I pushed my way past him so I could go inside. But he grabbed my arm tightly.

"I'm not letting you go after talking to me like that." His voice was sinister. I broke. Suddenly images of that night come back to me. The way he gripped my arm felt exactly the same as the way it was pinned down that night. It felt like it would break. I looked at him and then looked at him holding my arm.

"Let go of me." I said, but my heart beat was so loud it sounded like a whisper. "Let me go now!" I screamed. Now getting scraed but Tetsuya wouldn't let go.

"First!" I tried to hit him with my free arm but he grabbed that as well. I began to shake both my arms to loosen his grip but he held tighter. "First, apologize to me." He pulls me close to him as he whispers that in my ear. "Apologize." I felt lightheaded.

"No! Let me go!" I kicked him in the shin and backed away. Swinging open the back door before he could grab me and tried to get to the dressing room without looking suspicious. Where are the others!? I could hear Tetsuya curse behind me and I sped up but when I looked to see if he was behind me, he wasn't there. I stared at the venue back door and kept walking, running right into Akira.

"Whoa, sorry about that Taka. We were looking for you. We're going back to the hotel, maybe take showers and...then get something to eat." I heard him mumbling about something but my thoughts were still with the door. Tetsuya was gone but I didn't feel the sudden relief I was hoping to feel. I grabbed Akira's hand without realizing it. "Are you okay?" I heard him ask but didn't respond. I was too scared. There was movement happening around but my eyes were fixed at the back door. It looked like it could open about any moment, but it didn't. Then Akira obstructed my view. "Looking for someone?" He puts his hand on the side of my neck. "Hey?" He whispers.

"Akira! Akira, what are you doing?" I asked, I was sort of confused by the question I asked him since I was eventually able to hear him talk to me.

"Well," he started, taking his hand away. "You were acting weird so I thought getting your attention off of whatever you were looking at was a good idea. Are you okay?" You must feel like a broken record by now.

"I'm, uhh yeah. I'm okay. I was just looking for Tetsu- someone."

"Tetsuya? Why were you looking for that guy? Your hair looks fine." He chuckled a little. But I didn't

"It's nothing, I'm just tired I guess. That's all."

"Well, he isn't a bed." He said, demanding the truth. Kouyou came by. Thank god.

"Hey, Aki- oh you found him. Okay, let's go."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My fears were stronger than ever now. He sat quietly while everyone ate and enjoyed their meals. I looked at the food I didn't remember ordering.

"No, thanks." I whispered to myself and pushed my dish away from me a little. But it was enough for Yutaka to notice.

"You have to eat something, Nori." He says. It felt good hearing him talk to me again.

"I don't really want to get sick again."

"Well, you won't because yuo ordered the vegatarian. Remember?"

I did? "Yeah, but still." Yutaka glared at me and I took the hint to eat my food. So I slowly ate it just to give my stomach some time to recognize what I was eating.

"Don't worry about it." Akria whispered. Don't mess with your stomach so soon. If you aren't hungry don't eat." I smiled. I ate a few more bites and tried to engage in the table conversation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was sitting in the tour van now. Dinner was satisfiying, but I couldn't wait to get back to the hotel room and fall asleep. Akira gets into the van and sits next to me. I didn't mind. I liked it when he was close to me.

"You know, you're the only one actually trying." I whisper to him. Taking the risk of him demanding to know what was actually wrong.

"Well, everyone is. In their own way. I guess I'm not that easy to push away like the other are." He whispers back smiling.

"I'm tired now. That food was good." I said putting my head back. But I bring it back up when I notice Akira has moved his arm, and is holding out his hand. "What?"

"How big is your hand?" The others began to board the van and I glance up at them nervously but then back down at Akira's hand. I'm hesistant but put my hand against his. Tempted to intertwine our fingers. "Wow, you've got tiny fingers. They're cute." My hand stays against his.

"My fingers aren't that small."

"Nah, don't worry about it. I bet you could still punch the shit out of Yuu." I chuckled.

"Hey, shut up noseless. And stop holding hands back there." I take my hand away from Akira's and look out the window. We started to move and I was thankful that I'd be back in the hotel room soon. I could see in the reflection that Akira flicked off Yuu and they laugh.

I smile. Oh Akira.


	5. Betrayed, For Someone With An Overrated Libido

"So, you're okay with it, ne?" Yuu asked for the fourth time. I ignored him this time. Sounding like a broken record didn't appeal to me very much so I let him take the hint that I didn't care about him going out with Tetsuya. But it made my insides burn. My so called friend was attracted to a guy like that. 

        "Look, Yuu. Normally, or at least lately, I wouldn't give a shit about what you do in your personal life. But you shouldn't go out with a guy like that. He's not...good." I said the last part quickly and went back to strumming my guitar. We had the day off and were enjoying the sun and the lively people in Chile. "The sun feels good today." I attempted to change the subject.

        "Well, it's so nice to know you care. But you're not my mom, so you don't need to warn me about anything. I know he likes me, and he's a great guy. He's funny and he wouldn't hurt a fly. I'm not some one ngiht stand. No offense." I hit a loud, wrong note and grabbed my guitar case." 

        " _ **None. Taken.**_ " I told him, gritting my teeth and walked away from him. I sighed loudly. He was saying all those nice things about Tetsuya. God, it made me want to throw up. I could feel myself shaking violently. I could see Yutaka and Kouyou talking to the cameras as they took pictures of everything. They seemed happy which was good. I saw Akira sitting by a fountain, away from everyone else. I was nervous about going over there. He looked like he wanted to be alone but he looked up and signaled me to come over. I tried to hide my excitement.

        "Hey," he started as I got closer to him. "Tired of Yuu already? Didn't even last 10 minutes. But I'll give you props, Taka." He said as I sat next to him. He held out his hand and I took it automatically. Our fingers intertwined." Whoa." He said quietly. But it didn't scare me into letting his hand go.

        "Thanks, by the way. But I just wanted to see what this felt like." I whispered. I always wanted to." 

        "Really?" _Shit._  I pulled my hand away and tucked it between my legs. The feelings were coming back. "Umm, why did you want to see what it felt like?" 

        "No reason, I just used to like you or whatever." I confessed quietly.

        "Used to?" He asked with a smile on his face. "Why used to?"

        "Because you're interested in girls so-."

        "And guys." I was stunned Akira. Macho man Akira who's mind, I thought, was only on bass, boobs, and booze was also bi.

        "Wait, so you're bisexual?" 

        "Eh, no. I don't necessarily like labels. I just like to be open. I believe I can like anyone, no matter what's in their pants" He winked at me. I hoped I didn't blush but my face was hot. Akira then comtinues on by asking whether Ruki still was over him now that he knows he liked guys.

        "So, are you still over me knowing that I like guys as well.?" He asked holding hs hand out. "Palm to palm says, you're over me. Intertwined fingers says you have some feelings left." I didn't know what to do. My heart was racing. I felt like I did have feelings for him but I was so scared now. But I trusted Akira. Didn't I? I put my hand on his and our fingers slowly intertwined at the same time. "Well, okay." We held hands tightly. "Now close your eyes." I shook my head.  _Why did he want me to close my eyes?_

        "No." I said, and he chuckled but I wasn't laughing. "Why do you want me to close my eyes?"

        "You close them, then you trust me." His voice went serious. "You keep them open, then you don't." I tried to read his face, to find some ulterior motive. But there was none. But that didn't stop him from having one. I could feel my hand start to loosen. I guess I didn't  trust him.  _Damn it. Why not!? He didn't do anything._  I closed my eyes. "Nope, open them."

        "What, why?" I snapped them back open.

        "Because, you were hesistant and even when your eyes closed." He put his hand up. "You let me go. You don't trust me." I hadn't realized I let his hand go like that. I feel so stupid. And embarrassed. I can't even trust my friend. He's tried so hard.

        "Akira. It's complicated. I trust you., but I'm still scared."

        "Of what?"

        "If me trusting you. I don't want to give yuo false trust and then when you want something, and I don't give it to you." I breathed out. "I don't want you to take it from me."

        "Why would I take anything frmo you Taka? What would I take from you other than the pain that you're obviously in all the time?"  _Oh, Akira. Stop, you have no idea._

        "What do guys want more than money, Akira."

        "Food? At least, that's what I want." He laughed. I couldn't help it. I laughed with him. 'Sex isn't the only thing on our minds Taka and I would never take that from you by force. Why would you even think think that?"

        "Isn't that what everyone hopes not to happen to them? I'm just being precautionary, I guess." He gave me this look. It was a strongly sympathetic look and I wondered if he had figured it out.

        "I would never rape you Takanori. That's just sick." I laid my forehead on his shoulder and grabbed his hand.

        "I'm sorry, I even questioned you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        On the plane to Argentina, and everything had finally seemed to be going back to normal. Akira sat next to me which was great, but our current relationship was uncertain. I needed to find out where we both stood. We'd been talking about miscellaneous things for a few hours but I decided to change the subject.

        "Um, Akira? I wsa wondering, that hand and eyes things we did the other day what was that? Like what does this mean about us?"

        "We still haven't trusted each other. And if we were to be together then we'd have to work on that trust."

           "We? And why does that stupid exercise determine trust?"

        "Well, to answer your first, one word question. If we want to be together. We must trust each other. If one person in the relationship doesn't trust the other then the whole thing is pointless. If we're in this together, then let's actually be in this together. Help each other trust one another. That's what I'm  going to do with you. And the exercise isn't stupid. if you held my hand the entire time, even if I had said to let go. Then I could trust that you wouldn't let me go in the relationship. If you had closed your eyes when I told you, and maybe hadn't opened them when I told you, you weren't doing it right then I could see that you trusted me enough not to do anything you wouldn't want me doing, or that you trust that whatever I do while your eyes are closed that I wouldn't hurt you. All that vice versa."

        "Whoa, okay then. So let's try again."

        "No. I just told you everything. You have it fresh in your head. I'll catch you off guard then we'll try it.  _Geez, he was difficult. I liked it. It was kinda cute_

        "You're cute." I whispered smiling.

        "You're cuter." He said back. Yuu peaked over Akira's chair and I looked at him with annoyed and yet fearful eyes. Akira noticed that my attention wasn't on our conversation anymore and looked up to see Yuu. "Y'know Yuu, you might hurt yourself standing up while the plan is in mid-flight." Yuu ignored him and kept looking at me. 

        "You guys aren't holding hands I see. What happened?" I sighed and turned towards the window. The clouds distract me from a horrifying conversation that was destined to happen.

        "Yuu, I'm trying to have a conversation with Taka." Akira jumped in. 

        "Oh, I'm sorry." Yuu looked at Akira. "Just to let you know, Aki. Taka isn't into relationships. He's more into the, _'I'll fuck you with the lights off then leave you' kind of idea._ " I shut my eyess and tried not to scream. I couldn't handle Yuu right now. I hoped that Akira could make him go away. "At least that's what I heard." I looked at Yuu and could fell my face get hot. 

        "Shut up, Yuu. You have no idea what you're talking about. Your little-."

        "My little what? And why should I shut up. You did say, 'no offense' right? So now I'm offending you. I don't know why you don't like talking about your past relationships." He sais in a snooty tone. He was mad at me because of the way I acted towards him.

        "Don't aggreavate him Yuu." A voice behind me said. _Tetsuya._  He came up over my chair. Hovering over me like a dead tree. "Besides, I never said that. What we did was mutual."

        "Mutual?" I whispered to myself but Akira heard me. I could see Akira's face and my heart dropped to my stomach. 

        "Okay," Akira started, he sounded angry. "Yuu, tka eyour boyfriend somewhere else alright? Leave us alone. Yuu shrugged and sat down. I was frozen as Tetsuya was still over me.  _God, please go away._  "Tetsuya, sit down." Akira said, he voice was deeper and had a sharp edge tone to it. It scared me but also made me feel safer. Tetsuya purposefully sat down slowly. Akira clinched is fists as he watched the monster sit in his seat. He looked at me once Tetsuya was seated. I grabbed his hand in attmeot to calm him down. "Thanks." I nodded and didn't let his hand go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        It was lonely in my hotel room. The live was probably the best one since the our started. I had a lot of fun with Akira on stage. I caught him playing with my microphone cord so when he was on stage with Yutaka, I messed with his amplifier backstage. He looked back at me when some of his notes were off and after our encore he scared when I was trying to get into the dressing room. He was so cute. I didn't even get the burning sensation I usually got when Tetsuya did my hair. I told Akira about that. He said it was in my head and if I wanted that he could be around when I got my hair styled. Just to distract me with his cute smile and stupid laugh he had. His ridiculous puns and jokes probably angered Tetsuya since I was moving around a lot from laughing. I hadn't laughed this much since that night. It felt so good. But I missed him so much now. I've been spoiled by his presence and I also didn't want him to think that I was being clingy, but I didn't want him to think I was still pushing him away. Either way I would be very selfish so I was conflicted on whether I should be around him so much or avoid as much as possible. I never talked to him about and I felt like I should. My attempts in writing were getting annoying. I decided to text Akira. Hopefully he wasn't doing anything. 

**ME: Hey. 8:37pm.**

**AKIRA: Yes? Lol 8:40pm.**

**ME: What are you doing? 8:42pm.**

**AKIRA: Just got out of the shower. Why? 8:47pm.**

**ME: Come to my room, I'm bored. 8:50pm.**

**AKIRA: I'm going to need you to buy me dinner first. Lol! 8:54pm.**

**ME: Lol stop it! Please come over? 8:58pm.**

**AKIRA: Okay, but I still want dinner. 9:03pm.**

**ME: Okay. 9:06pm.**

        He's funny. I cleaned up the mess of papers I had all over the bed and floor I made in attempt to write some lyircs. I put my laptop away and by the time that was done there was a knock on my door. I walked to the door and opened, already expecting Akira. He was looking over my head but then looked down at me.

        "Oh, there you are Taka!" He laughed and I tried to close the door on him but kept it open. "That's not how you treat your friends!" He said laughing, I was laughing too.

        "I'm not short, you loser!" I said letting Akira in. I closed the door after he came in. "Make yourself comfortable."

        "Wow, our rooms look exactly alike!" He laughed.

        "Oh, shut up you!" Akira sat on the bed. 

        "So, you were bored. Do you want to talk or something?"

        "Actually if you don't mind. I want to maybe confess something to you." I sat next to him. 

        "Alright, go ahead." He said with an assertive tone.

        "Well, I feel like I've been clingy towards you. Just like using you as an escape, and I feel bad about it." I said holding his hand. "I want us to be close again, but I don't know if it's like real... I mean it's real but I don't want it to be likejust becuase I haven't been feeling myself lately. Especially when it comes to having feelings for you again. You understand?"

        "Eh, kinda. You're feeling vulnerable right now?"

        "Yeah, and feeling like that, and being with you. It's just that I want to make sure I like you for you not because you're being nice to me. And definitely not because I'm needy."

        "Do you not need me?" He said, a slight frown came across his face. It broke my heart a little.

        "No, I don't."  _Oh, Takanori, why do you talk?_  Akira sighed and moved his hand away from his and started rubbing my back. He pulled me into an embrace, with his other hand on my knee. He smelled so good. I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

        "Everyone needs some Taka. You can accept it or deny it but I'm going to be here for you forever." I buried my face into his chest. I wanted to cry. Maybe he'll let me. "Go ahead." He said as if he could read my mind. And on command I just let myself go. I didn't care how loud I was, or how wet his shirt would get. I held him tighter. "I will always be here for you Taka. If you need me whenever, you can come to me, okay?" I nodded through a heavy sob. I didn't deserve Akira at all. Or anyone for that matter. With the way I've been treating him. He never gave up on me and never will. I should probably tell him off all people what happened to me. But I'm scared of what he'll do. Would he leave me like I was left in the dirt that night?  _No, he wouldn't. He said so himself, he'd never leave me. And I believe him. I trust him._  "Takanori, I love you." 


	6. The Half-Truth

 I missed Akira. I hadn't seen him in awhile and won't see him at all today. Him and Yutaka needed to do footage for the world tour documentary so the rest of us had the day off. So we went to the beach. It was hot today in Brazil but the waves we relaxing and the only lyrics I could think of revolved around love. It made me smile a lot. I was sitting on a towel. I didn't have shorts on, just my regular jeans and a blanket around my arms because despite the heat, the water did bring a chilling breeze with it. I didn't have my Akira to keep me warm. I chuckled at myself.  _My Akira? Am I being possessive now?_  Kouyou came over and sat next to me. I guess he noticed me smiling.  
  
        "What's so funny?" He asked me smiling as well. Yuu was by the water with Tetsuya and I could them being loud and laughing.  
  
        "Nothing, just thinking." I told him, I hoped he would just take that response and leave but he pressed on with the obvious.  
  
        "About Akira." He poked my side playfully and I started to get embarrassed. I nodded softly and he started to laugh. I began to get up so I could escape his teasing but he grabbed my arm. "Aww, sweetie I'm sorry! It's just so cute though. It's about time you too finally go together. He got me to sit back down and I looked at him, my eyes widened. "Oh come on Taka, you can  be that naive!" He said laughing, looking towards the water.  
  
        "Naive about what?" I asked, half-smiling. I was now extremely interested in what he was hinting at.  _Did everyone know I liked Akira, or vice versa? Had Akira liked me this whole time and didn't tell me._  
  
        "Akira and you? It was obvious that, that would happen. We were surprised by the fact that you would hook up with Tetsuya though. Akira was really angry when he saw you leaving with him that night. He knew he should've acted faster."  _Then why didn't he!? Why didn't I say anything to him before!? If we were together then, it wouldn't have happened to me_. I gripped my blanket tighter as Kouyou continued talking. "But my guess says that you're over Tetsuya or it was just one night?"  
  
        "I was never into him. I was drunk." I said, holding back tears. I needed Akira with me now. The filth was returning and I needed Akira to help me clean it up.  
  
        "So, I guess you don't remember being with him, huh?" He laughed. "He could have been a dog for all you knew."  _They were dogs. All three of them._  I went into my bag and grabbed my phone.  
  
        "Kouyou, I need to go. I'll be right back." I said quickly and got up. He said okay but I left to fast. I was typing Akira's number into my phone when I bumped into someone. "I'm sorry, excuse me." I said not looking."  
  
        "Apology accepted. It's about time you apologized to me. Especially that night after your live." I backed away.  
  
        "Don't touch me." I told Tetsuya. He came up to me.  
  
        "Would you relax, I mean you are friends with Yuu. You need to be more nicer to me." I pushed him away, hard.  
  
        "Don't touch me, you bastard!" I ran off towards the staircase that lead off the beach and back to the street. I finished dialing Akira's number but I could barely read my phone through all the tears that were tearing through my eyes. I made it to the top of the steps and sat down. O couldn't breathe. Through my crying and running up flights of steps, my heart was pounding and my back was in pain. The phone started to ring and I silently prayed that he would answer. I started crying harder, burying my face in my knees. I kept the phone to my ear, hoping he would answer. I needed to stop crying but everything just kept coming back.  
  
         _"Hnn, he's so fucking tight."_  
  
 _"No! Please stop! Please, please!"_  
  
 _"Cover his fucking mouth, we don't want him letting everyone know we're here!" I don't know who it was but instead of covering my mouth he put dirt in. I spit it out in front of whoever he was. I tried to look at him but my vision was blurry and my body kept jerking from the guy who was thrusting. I was coughing and my face was wet from crying. I gasped as the guy's thrusting started to get harder. My arms were in front of me and began to claw the ground._

_"Please, no! Get off of me, let me go!" I felt a hand cover my mouth and someone else held down my arm. I was completely immoblie as they did this to me._

_"Would you hurry up. I want him too before someone shows up." The thrusting sped up and the pain got worse. I screamed underneath his hand. I could barely breathe, his thumb blocked my nose. This was happening. This was really happening to me._

          
        "Hello? Taka?"  
  
        "Akira! Please come and get me! Please!"  
  
        "What? What's wrong?" I didn't answer him, I just kept crying harder. Please just come get me. "Okay, Yutaka and I just finished filming so we are on our way. Okay? Taka?"  
  
        "Please, come. Please." I felt an arm wrap around  me and I jumped. "No! Stop!" It was Kouyou.  
  
        "Takanori, it's okay. It's just me. Come here." I fell into Kouyou's arms. His hug was similar to Akiras. It was warm. And he let me cry on him. "It's okay. Is Akira coming to get you?" I nodded. _I just want to go home. Back to Tokyo. I didn't want to do this anymore._  
  
  
        15 minutes passed, and I could finally relax. I was lying on Kouyou's shoulder and I had my blanket and bag with me. Yuu and Tetsuya were here too. I guess we were all going back.  
  
        "I don't know why we have to go back now." Tetsuya complained.  
  
        "Hey, stop. Taka is having a tough time right now." Kouyou retorted. I could hear Yuu tell Tetsuya to stop as well. It made me feel better. We saw our tour van pull up right in front of us and I could see Akira get out first. I got up with Kouyou's help.  
  
        "Taka, are you okay?" Akira asked as he hugged me. I shook my head and buried myself into him. He took me onto the van and we sat in the back. "What happened?" He asked me. But didn't move or say anything. "Please talk to me." He whispered, holding me tighter.  
  
        "Why didn't you ask me out earlier?" I asked through his shirt. I turned my head so I could speak clearer. "Kouyou said you were mad that night. At the party."  
  
        "We'll talk back at the hotel. And I want you to tell me...everything." I curled into him more. I could feel everyone else staring at me but I closed my and just thought about Akira.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
        I came out of the bathroom in my pajamas. A regular shirt and some sweats. I had a quick shower to wash some of the  _filth_ off. Akira was standing by the window. He looked like he was trying to figure out how to start the conversation we were about to have. I walked over to my bed and sat down.  
  
        "Akira?" I began.  
  
        "Takanori?" He replied. I guess trying to lighten the mood. He smiled at me and sat next to me. "So... you want to start with what is with you and Tetsuya? Or with what happened at the party?" I stood up and walked over to my bag and grabbed a notebook with a pen. I started writing everything but not everything. I came back over and handed him the notebook.  
  
 **I was raped, by some guys in that park with the pond.**

         I wrote it in the middle of the page and backed away as he read it. I held my head down. Shaking. Was he done reading it? What did he think? So many thoughts ran through my head. I looked at the mirror that was next to the bathroom door and I could see that I was crying. My eyes and cheeks have become so numb to sting of tear, I couldn't even recognize doing it anymore. I breathed out and I heard him start talking. I slowly turned my head toward him. Holding my hand together and putting them up to my mouth in hopes he'd take this okay.  
  
        "Taka, I--." He cleared his throat. "What?" He asked, his voice breaking as if he were about to cry. "You can't be serious, Takanori. Why didn't you tell anyone this happened!?" I started to breakdown shaking my head.  
  
        "I--I don't know! I was scared. That's why I walked home. I didn't know what to do so I kept quiet. They took me to some where quiet and I was drunk. I don't know what happened!" I cried harder. But part of me felt so good. I felt light again. But it also hurt. I've kept this for months. And now telling Akira. "Akira, please I'm sorry! Please!"  
  
        "Stop, alright. Stop apologizing. It's not your fault." He got up and walked over to me. He pulled me into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry for not realizing it, or not being here for you to tell me sooner. But are you okay. Like do you have any or..?"  
  
        "No, no. I'm fine. I got checked for everything I'm fine. Well healthy. I'm not fine." He kissed my forehead and I liked it. It calmed me down.  
  
        "I love you Takanori. It'll be alright. Do you know who did it?" I breathed out.  
  
        "No. I don't."  
  
        "So, it wasn't Tetsuya?"  
  
        "No, I was separated from him. It was just some strangers."  
  
        "Strangers. H-how many?"  
  
        "Three."  
  
        "I'm sorry." He kissed my forehead again. I kissed his cheek. And he smiled. "Come on, let's get you to sleep alright? You can call me if you need anything."  
  
        "Can you just stay with me?"  
  
        He smiled, "Of course."

 

**N/A: This is the shortest chapter in the series. I wanted to get this out because I won't be updating this story for awhile. I will be focusing on the other fics that I am writing.**


	7. No, I'm Not

 I asked, more like begged Akira to keep it between us for a little while. At least until after the world tour. He was irritated with the compromise but accepted. It made me happy that he cared. I could tell it was bothering him though. When we made it to France, he was particularly cautious of my surroundings. Holding me closer to him and making sure I didn't go anywhere too far by myself. I told him to cool it down a little or someone would notice but he was still alert. Akira's hairstylist was doing my hair instead after Akira demanded so. So, Tetsuya was doing Yuu's hair instead. I started to return to my usual self, especially during lives. I messed with everyone on stage like before, even Yuu. We were reconciling but when Tetsuya would come around I'd go by Akira's side.

        "If Tetusya didn't do it. Why are you afraid of him." I could've sworn we had dropped this already. We both were by ourselves, but not really. Our staff had to be around for us too. But Akira and I were ok our way to the Eiffel Tower. Everything was fine until he asked that.

        "I thought we dropped this already, Aki? Anyway, he reminds of what happened, I just have to get used to him.that's all." I lied.

        "Ok, but-." I stopped walking.

        "Stop it! Please?" I begged. I wanted him to just get over the subject. Before I blurt out what actually happened. I didn't want anyone to know it was Tetsuya. Akira came closer to me and took my hand. He brought it up to his lips and kissed. I sighed and gave up the idea of smacking him across the face for bringing up Tetsuya again. "Let's just keep going alright?" He nodded and held my hand as we continued our path to the tower. We didn't talk too much but just small talk about how beautiful Paris was. He noted that it was a very romantic city and I rolled my eyes.

        "There we go with the rolling of the eyes. I thought we agreed that you needed to stop doing that?"

        "And when did I say that?" I asked him, my voice hitched a little. I didn't remember saying that I'd stop rolling my eyes every time he wanted to be a dork.

        "When we decided to be friends again." He said with a serious tone. It wiped my smile away and I looked down at my shoes as we kept walking. Our pace slowed a little but we didn't stop. I wanted to let go of his hand.

        "When did we stop being friends? I mean can you blame me for not being somewhat different after...that?" I hinted about the night without trying to bring it up too much. Was he so surprised that I stopped talking to people? That I was afraid of leaving my apartment everyday? "I mean you didn't exactly talk to me either. You just stood by like everyone else, hoping that I'd come to you. I didn't know how to approach the situation at all."

        "What the hell are you talking about? I talked to everyday and you would just brush me off. Everyone else was standing by, I was just trying to help." I let go of his hand.

"I was fine before I told you. Now you're acting like you have to be my guard dog or something!"

"Dog?" He clinched the hand that in was once holding. "Is that how you think of me? Well how am I supposed to handle this? The person I love, getting attacked and I'm supposed to act like nothing happened?"

        "You don't love me." I said looking towards that tower. I started to walk towards it.

        "I don't!? Would I--!"

        "Look, you don't love me alright? Just get over it. You...you don't know what you're talking about when you say that." I kept walking, not looking behind me to see if he was following. I didn't care. He could go back to the hotel if he wanted. I don't need him. I could feel tears start to form. I wiped my eyes before they could come down and I got the guts to look behind. He was gone. Good. I continued to the tower. I was going to get there with or without him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Our last live in France.

        "Geez Taka, I don't know why you don't want Tetsuya doing your hair. And now you don't want Akira's hairstylist to do yours? What's wrong?"

        "Nothing, Yutaka. Just don't worry about it." I looked at my hair. Tetsuya did a better job, I'll give him that. But there was no way I was going to let him touch me again. And with Akira... I don't know anymore with him. I would often catch him looking at me, which lets me know he still cares somewhat, I guess. But him loving me? I didn't believe that. I wanted to talk to him. We shouldn't have fought, it was stupid for me to doubt that he loved me. Or to say anything about once he confessed it. I should've just let it be and talked to him about on better terms. Now I don't even know if we're okay or not. Or whether I should go and talk to him about it. I'm just confused. I'm starting to go back to my bad self. I don't want that anymore. I have never  wanted to go home so much. I wanted this world tour to end.

        "Taka, we're going on in 10 minutes." Kouyou said. I walked by and he pulled me aside. "Is everything alright with you and Akira?" I nodded and walked towards the stage. I saw Akira who was in front of Yuu. The crowds screams were getting louder and it was the only thing I could hear as Yutaka started to say something. It gave me a headache then I was alone. Everyone else had gone on stage so hurried up and tried to put on my best act. I felt dizzy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        I was practically in and out of reality the entire live. I couldn't hear myself sing nor the others playing just the crowd screaming. It was the only thing that let me know that I wasn't deaf but it wasn't a good thing. I heard everyone. Every single person's voice was singled out. I didn't know what was happening. Until after the live. When we all went back stage and were further away from the stage. The crowd's screams died down and the dizzy feeling came back. There was ringing in my ear, and before I could enter the dressing room. I fell. And everything came back again. 

_I struggled to get up on all fours until someone's foot was on my back, pushing me back down onto the ground again. I coughed up dirt and spit and blood. It was rushing out of mouth. I bit my cheek the moment the assault began. And now, hopefully, it was over. I couldn't stay here I had to leave. Find my friends. And tell them what happened._

_"I...nee-need to get h-home, p-please." I begged, the only thing a person in my state could do to survive this. "Please, l-let me go h-home."_

_"We can't let you go home. You'll rat us out." Tetsuya said. He voice made me shudder. Someone on my right started to rub up my exposed thighs. I just let him since they already got what they wanted, I figured what more could they do. "But, I'll make sure you don't say anything because I practically know everything about you. So maybe I'll let you go home." He said laughing, the others laughed too. I started to try and get up again but was kicked down onto my stomach. They laughed again. I started to cry again, I was tired of begging but I needed to go home._

_"What are we going to do with him, Tetsuya?" The one rubbing my thigh and ass asks._

_"You guys had enough?" Tetsuya asks, I can hear a smile on his voice._

_"No way, he's ass is too good." One standing next to Tetsuya says. My heart starts racing again._

_"Well, how about this. If he tells anyone, and I mean anyone. I'll know and then we'll have some more fun and that time, he won't tell another soul." They all laughed agreeing._

        I woke up with a start and the urge to throw up. I felt a strong arm push me back a little and I began to relax. The arm felt familiar. Akira. I looked around and everyone was here. Their faces had a sense of relief on them and I looked at Akira. Yutaka came and sat next to me. I was lying on a couch there was in the dressing room. Yutaka rubbed my leg. I was still relaxed which surprised me.

        "You were out for 10 minutes. The medics said that it was due to dehyrdation and exhaustion." He said with a gentle smile. I smiled back at him and grabbed his hand. "Are you okay, alright?" He asked. I shook my head.

        "No, I'm not." 


	8. You and I... and HIM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> N/A: This is double post which means I won't post another chapter for awhile. Please be patient.

 Being on a train was different but fun. I looked at my pictures on my phone that I took while I was in Paris. Kouyou saw them too and said they were very nice, putting his around me. Ever since I passed out, everyone has been acting...gentle towards me which is something that I needed right now. Even Yuu was holding back on his frequent teasing. But with all of this, there was only one person that I wanted to take care of me. Akira hasn't really talked to me but has been engaging in conversations that I'm apart of and I;ve tried to talk to him but he would seem hesistant to respond. I shouldn't have fought with him. He was just trying to help and the fact that he loved me, it made everything I did to him worse. 

        "Are we going to eat after we get off the train?" Yuu asked, he was sitting next to Tetsuya, who has been acting very disturbed lately. Does he know that I told Akira about what happened? I was careful not to mention him at all. But maybe he didn't care about that. My heart raced again. I closed my eyes and turned towards the window and watched the French scenery. A river came into view and the water gleamed from the reflextion of the sun. 

        "Pretty, huh?" I heard Akira ask. I turned my head and didn't know he was sitting in front of me. He glanced down and looked about out once I didn't answer right away. I heard him sigh. He was trying even when it was I who told him off.

        "Yes, it's very pretty." I replied, looking at him. He turned to me and held out his hand. I breathed out. I was scared of taking his hand, I didn't want to hurt him again. He began to put his hand away but I grabbed it before he could. I held it tight and smiled at him. "I'm sorry." I whispered. He shook his head.

        "Don't worry about it. I was just scared that we were going to go back to how it was. Not talking to each other." 

        "You can always talk to me. You know that." I wanted him to hug me like he did. "I can't stay mad at you for very long, I realize this now." I confessed laughing a little and he smiled.

        "Good, I don't want you to stay mad at me at all." I noticed Akira expression changed and he put his middle finger up. I looked next to me to see Kouyou smiling at us. 

        "Kouyou, mind your own business." I said, smiling but my face was getting really hot. I looked towards the window, not letting Akira's hand go. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        "Taka? Can we talk?" Tetsuya asked. I looked up at him as I was trying look for some clothes to buy. I backed away a little and started to scan the store for Akira. "He's not in here, so don't worry about him. I need to talk to you, now." 

        "No, stay away from me." I said and began walking away but my arm was grabbed and I was pulled away, my mouth was covered and I was pushed into the bathroom. I was breathing became erratic and backed away from Tetsuya who locked the door. My back hit the wall and I was blocked off as he was inches away from me. 

        "You didn't tell anyone, did you?" He asked, his voice was demonic and instantly brought back terrible memories. I was frozen. I didn't know what to say. "Did you!?" 

        "No! No, I didn't! Please stop." I begged, starting to cry. "I didn't tell anyone. I swear." My phone vibrated and I knew it was Akira. I wanted to scream out but I was too terrified of what would happen if I did. 

        "You're a terrible liar. Are you sure you didn't tell Akira?" An abundant amount of bravery boiled within me and I used all of my strength to push him against a stall door. He fell  and bolted towards the door, unlocking it and yanking it open. I tried to look as normal as possible and I saw Akira towards the entrance. I walked away from the bathroom, forgetting about the clothes that I wanted and grabbed his arm.

        "Oh, you scared me. I had no idea where you were." He stopped and turned my face so he could look at me. "What happened?" His voice was deep and shook my head, more tears falling down. He looked back inside the store and saw Yuu talking to Tetsuya. He left my grasp and I knew where he was headed. 

        "Akira, no please." I begged but he didn't hear me. He went over to Tetsuya and I couldn't hear anything. I could tell Akira was angry. Angier than I've ever seen him. Yuu got in between them both but Akira kept going until they were asked to leave the store. "Akira." I said again, quieter than a mouse. Kouyou came up behind me.

        "What happened?" He asked. "Akira what the hell was that?" Kouyou asked furiously. I was deaf again. This was all my fault. We were outside now and I could see Tetsuya looking at me. Akira was pissed, more than pissed. I wanted to go over to him but I was afraid. Yutaka finally came and calmed everything down. And I could suddenly hear again.

        "We should just go back to the hotel, alright?" Yutaka finished. I missed everything. Did Akira tell him he knew. What did Tetsuya say to Akira. I felt so small among everyone. My breathing was far from normal, and stood in place. Yutaka came over to me and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me along. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        We went back to the hotel in Toulouse but the ride there was utter silence. I felt as if I was going to either faint or scream. I couldn't look at Akira, I was too scared of what I would see. He scared me today. I know he was just being protective but it was scary. It was an Akira I didn't want to see ever again and it was all because of me. It was my fault. I shouldn't have told him what happened because now I think he knows that Tetsuya was definitely involved and if he had a hard time not telling anyone then, he was going to have a hard time now. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. I wasn't in my room. I decided to go have a drink in the lobby bar. Well, a few drinks. Alcohol was how I got fucked up in the first place and now I was resorting to it to numb my depression.  _Great Takanori, looks like you'll become a alcoholic._

        I downed another shot and asked for another one. I gestured to the tender to leave the bottle. I was going sit here and kill myself with alcohol poisoning. I hiccuped and took another shot, pouring more vodka into the small glass. I stopped and looked at the bottle.  _Stolichnaya, Russian._  It was so fucking good, I drank it from the bottle. The tender didn't seem to care. I guess he symphazied with wanting to drown your own sorrows. I hadn't noticed Yuu walked in.

        "Are you kidding me Takanori?" He said sitting next to me. I didn't look at him. Or maybe I did. Everything was blending in together, I could've swore I was looking at the other variety of alcohol on the wall that I wanted to try. "Is it good?" He asked, taking the shot that I neglected and trying it for himself. "Wow, that's strong." He commented squinting his face from the burning. I had gotten numb to it, like I was with everything else happening in my life. "Takanori, please look at me. What's going on with you? You never did tell us what was wrong."

        "H-have you ever looked at your life. Like really l-looked at it, and asked 'why is my life so fucked up'?" I asked, taking a huge gulp afterwards. I looked at the bottle and it was almost empty. I thought the tender opened this? I gestured to him, asking for another bottle of the same brand.  _Maybe if I drank this fast enough, I would poison myself in time before Yuu could answer._

        "Mmm, I don't think the staff will pay for a second bottle." He said with a smile. _I'll fucking bash this bottle on your head, you traitor._  Another bottle was placed into of me and I took it before you could grab it from me.

        "I'll pay for it! You just answer the q-question or go back to your room."

        "It's not the matter of paying. You just don't need it. But anyway, no. I've never given much thought to it but if the result of thinking like that looks like you, then I don't want to." I looked at him disgusted. I took another gulp from the bottle. Some of it dribbled down my chin. 

        " _You_ , can go to hell." I said smiling. "You have  _no_  idea of what I've been through. And for you... and I... and  _him_. Why him?" I wasn't even making sense anymore but Yuu faced remained unmoved. Expressionless. 

        "Tetsuya? What about him?"

        "He's a monster, you know." I said, smiling before taking the last drops of my first bottle in. I put it on the counter causing it to make a loud clang. Opening up the other one and swallowing two gulps. I cringed since it was a fresh bottle. Yuu took it from me and drank some of it. I couldn't get mad at him for that. "He has zero respect, for the words like 'please' and 'no' and 'i dont want this'. He's a creep, and you're with him. So I'll ask again, why him?"

        "You're making him sound like he's some kind of rapist, Taka." Yuu replied, making a grimace. He was insulted that anyone would say that about his precious Tetsuya. 

        " _And the winner is!_  Yuu..." I looked at his eyes, trying to find some sort of sign that he understood what I was trying to say. Instead, I got a quickly-numbing yet powerful stinging slap across the face. The slap was so loud it echoed out of the bar and into the lobby. I wouldn't be surprised if someone at the top floor heard it. "You got some hand there."

        " _You're sick_ , and you need help. I suggest you find some and stop trying to get attention." And with that he left the bar. I touched my cheek. It was warm, I'm sure he left and mark. I pulled out my wallet and left more than enough money for the bottle, and took it with me. 

 


	9. Promise Overwritten

 I've managed to fully isolate everyone I care about. We're on our second night in Germany, but the last two lives were depressing. I hoped our fans that attended didn't feel the extra tension that was surrounding us. The only people I didn't have a problem with were Kouyou and Yutaka but even with them, our interactions were unsettling. Yuu couldn't even look at me. I didn't even remember what I said, which is the worst part but I guess that couldn't be helped. And Akira. We were so out of sync. We go back and forth with this and I want it to stop but he hasn't talked me since he confronted Tetsuya. I couldn't even remember what he said. I wasn't afraid of him getting angry, I was more afraid at the fact that he cared about me so much that he seemed willing to beat the shit out of Tetsuya. Which is more than I could ever ask of him.  
  
        My hotel room was warm, and my skin was slightly pink from the incredibly hot shower I took. I was hoping it would help me fall asleep. I was in fact getting drowsy but not ready to lie down yet. The sweatpants I wore felt nice against my legs. I pulled my knees up to my chest an a flash of lightning came through my dimly light room.  
  
        "Rain, that'll help me sleep." I whispered to myself. My eyes started to get heavy, and I could hear a rumble of thunder that was relaxing. Everything got quiet and I thought this was the perfect time for me to go to sleep. Until someone softly knocked on my door. My eyes snapped open, and I waited to see if it wasn't just my imagination. The knock happened again and I slowly got up. My footsteps were even quieter than my breathing. I looked through the peek hole and no one was there. "Okay." I said to myself and quietly opened the door to look who was knocking. It was Akira but he was walking away. "Aki!" I called out a little louder than I should have but he looked back at me. I gestured him to come back. "Come in." I was suddenly nervous and my fatigue vanished somewhere.  
  
        "Thanks." He said quietly as he walked in. He walked to the middle of the room and stopped. I closed the door and  leaned against it. He chuckled a little and turned back towards me. "Everything's been pretty fucked up hasn't it?" I walked over to him and grabbed his hand, pulling down so he could sit on the bed.  
  
        "Not everything. We're not fucked up, are we?" I asked, absent mindedly picking off whatever lint he had on his shirt.  
  
        "We are a little." He said with a soft smile on his face that turned into a small frown. "I'm sorry about what I said the other day. I was... angry. If that's the right word."  
  
        "Its alright Akira. I don't remember very much I just saw you yelling. What did you say?" He shook his head.  
  
        "No, I shouldn't repeat it actually. I don't want you to hear stuff like that. Especially from me."  
  
        "What do you think I am? A child, but okay I won't push you into telling me. It's the least I can do for everything you've done. I'm sorry for dragging you into this. Ever since I told you, you haven't seemed like yourself." He ran his hand gently through my hair.  
  
        "Well, how else should I act after learning something like this?" I moved closer and put my forehead against his.  
  
        "I want my old Akira back."  
  
      "I want my old Takanori back." He leaned in further and pressed his lips against mine. One of his hands cupped my face and my hands went onto his waist. "I love you." He said in a breathy voice between our kiss and we were both laying on the bed. I wrapped my arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. Our tongues explored each other's mouths. My fingers combed his hair that was slightly damp from what I assumed was from a shower and we heard another rumble of thunder that almost made the room vibrate. He hands were strong and they rubbed my hips, fingers crawling up my shirt and gently caressing my side. I got scared.   
  
        "Akira, wait." I said as I stopped kissing. He quickly pulled his hand away and sat up.  
  
        "I'm sorry. I was..."  
  
        "Caught up, I know. It's okay, I just don't know about that yet." He smiled and kissed my forehead.  
  
        "I understand. It's fine don't worry about it. I did like kissing you, you know? It felt..."  
  
        "Electrifying?" He nodded and gave me a quick peck on the lips and I returned it.  
  
        "You keep finishing my sentences." He said and sighed contently looking at the window that had rain sliding down like a soft waterfall. I yawned and laid back down.  
  
        "I'm sorry am I boring you?" He said turning back towards me. And lying down on his stomach next to me. I laughed a little.  
  
        "No, of course not. I was tired before you came in. But I'm glad you came."  
  
        "I'm glad you opened the door. I thought you didn't want to talk to me."  
  
        "There has to be some cooperation in this so called band." I said turning on to my side but still facing him.  
  
        "I'd say this is a little more than that. But you're right. Which reminds me, what happened with Yuu?"  
  
        "I don't know." I said sighing looking towards the window. "I guess I said something but I was too drunk to remember." He started to yawn, and it made me yawn. "Stop that, it's contagious!" I said laughing.  
  
        "You started it!" He moved up the bed so we were face to face.  
  
        "I'm cold." I said.  
  
        "Lets get under the blankets." He suggested but after we did I said it again.  
  
        "I'm still cold."  
  
        "If you wanted to cuddle just say so. Don't trick me." He said laughing , I laughed too and moved against him. He was very warm. "Hold On." He said reaching over to his side to turn off the only light. It was very dark in the room but I loved being this close to Akira. It felt good, almost like it was supposed to be like this. He put his arm around me, pulling me closer. His chin on top of my head and his hand was rubbing my back. I knew I was going to fall asleep with treatment like this. "Goodnight, I love you."  
  
        "Goodnight, Akira."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
 **»»»Akira's P.O.V.**  
  
        I woke to what sounded like Takanori calling my name playfully. But when I turned to look at him he was still fast asleep. He had moved out of my hold and was spread out on his side of the King bed. I rubbed my eyes and sat up looking down at him. The blanket and sheet had moved to his waist and his shirt was pulled up a bit, showing off a little of his stomach. He looked so at peace while he was sleeping. I only hoped the same was going on inside his head. His chest lifted every now and then, and his breathing was soft with small snores here and there. He was incredibly gorgeous. He was on my mind all the time that I even imagined that I heard him just now. Then again I thought I felt him in my dream. I never saw him but I could feel as if he was there.

         I chuckled softly to myself, thinking these thoughts. The rain had stopped, so I could probably slip out and go have a smoke before he wakes up. I carefully got off the bed and stretched, looking at the clock on the nightstand across from the bed. 4:48am. Good, we didn't have to get up for another 4 hours. We had a late flight tomorrow for Finland so that was good. My smokes were still in my room so I'd have to go back there.

        I found my room key and took Takanori's so I'd be able to get back inside without disturbing him. As I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me, I felt like I was being watched. I looked to my left, down the hall where my room was and saw Kouyou standing in front of my door with his arms crossed looking at me. "Shit." I whispered to myself and walked towards him trying my best to avoid eye contact but escaping his mouth was all too inevitable.  
  
        "What were you doing in Taka's room,  _Akira._ " I didn't like the way he said my name. I knew I was going to get questioned for being there. I didn't plan to stay, it just happened.  
  
        "Don't worry about it, go back to your own room." I said, unlocking the door. The room was very cooled because I left the air conditioning on. But it was a relief to the sauna that Takanori had. I went through my bag that was by the bed, and Kouyou stood at the door.  
  
        "I couldn't sleep. Figured that I'd be able to hang with you for a bit but I see that you were preoccupied. You got all your clothes on fast enough to leave him."  
  
        "We didn't have sex, if that's what you're thinking. I went in there earlier to apologize and he didn't want to be alone." Kouyou scoffed and shook his head.  
  
        "You know what's wrong with him, don't you? What's up with him and Tetsuya? And don't play dumb." His name made my skin crawl. I wanted to bash his fucking face in.  
  
        "What about them? They don't like each other, that's all."  
  
        "Why not? This seems more than the one night he had with Takanori." I found my smokes and started to leave  the room, moving past Kouyou.  
  
        "Is that what he's calling it?" I ask in a pained laugh as I walk by him, turning the rooms main light off. "A one night stand?"  
  
        "Well is there more to it?"  
  
        "That's none of your business." I tell him as I walked in the elevator. He came along. I hoped that Takanori would stay asleep. The urge to confess boiled within me, but I made a promise. But why would I make a promise about staying quiet about someone getting gangraped? For the first time I was angry at my heart for loving Takanori so much that I'd keep that promise. I love him too much for him not the get some sort of justice. I waited  to long for this. He waited to long.  
  
        "None of my business? Takanori is my friend too, so I think I should know." We got off on the ground floor and went outside. We stayed my the door and I started to slightly cigarette.  
  
        "Okay Kouyou. But you can't tell him that I told you."  
  
        "Okay. Tell me."  
  
        "The party, where Tetsuya supposedly slept with Taka. It wasn't like that."  
  
        "What do you mean?"  
  
        "I don't know the details, he wouldn't tell me but he told me that he was..." I breathed, it was hard to say the word. "Raped. By Tetsuya and two other guys." I took a puff and let him digest what I said. After what seemed like an eternity, I heard a high pitched gasp as though he was now just understanding the seriousness of the situation.  
  
        "Wh-what are you saying? I don't... Akira no! That couldn't have happened!?" He screamed.  
  
        "Calm down alright? I know how you're feeling okay?" Kouyou instantly had tears falling down his cheeks. Shaking his head in disbelief.  
  
        "There's no way. Taka-chan. Our Taka-chan?" I nodded and smiled a little at Kouyou's use of our nickname for Takanori, before the GazettE. He walked away a little with his on his head, running his fingers through his hair. "Why wouldn't he tell us?" I shrugged, throwing my cigarette on the ground. My mood was dampered too much to smoke anymore and all I wanted to do was hold Takanori right now.  
  
        "I don't know, maybe because he thought we wouldn't believe him."  
  
        "Why the he'll wouldn't we? This is ridiculous. How long have you known?"  
  
        "About a week or so. He told me not to tell anyone but I've  been having a real.bad problem with that."  
  
        "You should've told me then! Told us! The hell with what Takanori says, he's scared. He's blinded by fear so of course he wouldn't see that he should've told someone after it happened. This is a crime. A serious one, he should've went to the police." I sighed and started to head back inside.  
  
        "It shouldn't have happened in the first place. He saw both of us. We saw him leave with some guy, we should've known that he was too drunk to realize what was happening."  
  
        "Oh, so it's our fault he was raped!?" I pushed him into the elevator and repeatedly pushed our floor to close the door quicker.  
  
        "Would you keep your voice down? And no, I'm not saying it's our fault. We just should've been more watchful of him. He hates drinking. We kind of pressured him into going drinking." Kouyou sighed and tried to calm down. The doors opened and we exited the elevator. I stood in front of Takanoris door and listened for any movement.  
  
        "I can't even look at him the same way."  
  
        "Stop, he's still Takanori. No matter what happened."  
  
        "You're right. Give him a kiss for me alright. We'll figure something out."  
  
        "Yeah, I know. And I will, goodnight." He waved at me as he headed back to his room. I unlocked Takanori's door and the warm air circled me. I closed it gently, tip towing to the air conditioner to turn it on. I could still hear his steady breathing . He was still sprawled out on his side, exactly how I left him. I laid back down and he started to me closer to me. His face was in my chest. I put my arm around him and held him tight.  
  
        "You smell like cigarettes." A small, tired voice said. "Did you go out for a smoke?" His voice trailing off to sleep as he asked.  
  
        "Yeah, I did. Just go back to sleep." He moaned a 'yes' and drifted back to sleep. "I love you." Was the last thing I said before falling asleep as well.


	10. One Step Back

 I've been feeling so much better now that I have Akira. He fills me with so much joy that I was able to end our world tour happier than I've ever been. We all celebrated in the end with champagne but I didn't have any and that's when I found out that Akira had told Kouyou what happened to me. I wasn't angry at him either. It felt good to know that Kouyou was going to be there for me as well. We were on our way back to Japan, back home. I couldn't wait to see Koron. Ms. Akiyama called me to tell me that he had been, to my surprise, behaving very well but that he had missed me. I listened to the message on my phone as I waited for all the people to finish boarding the plane. 

        "Airplane mode, airhead or we're all going down." Akira said, sitting down next to me. I almost wanted to punch him for calling me an airhead but he was too cute for that. The message finished and I put my phone away.

        "We haven't even taken off yet, loser." He laughed and leaned in giving me a quick kiss on the lips. We didn't tell anyone we were close now but it seems that everyone predicted that 'we' would happen. Nothing was official yet but I wasn't going to let him go anywhere. Kouyou was in front of us giving the two of us a teasing grimace. 

        "Gross, why don't you two go to the bathroom and do that."

        "A little cramped don't you think?" Akira commented. I looked at him and Kouyou mouth.

        "We weren't even making out! I hardly think that calls for us to go somewhere private."

        "It'll be fine." Kouyou said, ignoring me. "Taka, is small enough to make it work."

        "Am I being ignored here? And I'm not that small. I can't even call for short!" Kouyou laughed and Akira joined in.

        "Okay, Takanori you're not short." Kouyou turned back around and I laid on Akira's shoulder. The plane started to ascend.

 

_Once they were gone, I laid there. I laid there exposed to anyone that could come by but I didn't care. I was exhausted, defeatedm and humiliated. And I deserve it. For not fighting hard enough. For letting this happen and the fact that I'm still lying here makes this torture more deservable. I started to get up. I could feel something run down my inner thigh as I got on my feet. It was either their cum or my blood. I couldn't tell. I found my pants. They weren't torn so at least I could hide myself. After I got my pants on I turned the corner to see a faint light down the path back towards the party. I looked behind me and it was all dark. Fear pulled me towards the light and I was there before I even realized it. I saw the pond and it made me sick. I didn't want to come back here every again._

_My body was in so much pain now, I couldn't walk anymore. I sat on the park bench that was near the light pole and I whinced in pain as I sat down. Pain shuddered through my body and I sighed. Tears began to form as I thought about what happened to me and how much I needed to get out of this part of the park. I cried hard. I didn't care who heard me and hopefully no one could hear me. I needed to find Akira and Kouyou. They were still at the party. I got up and ignored the pain that I was running through my body and ran back to the party. Once I was inside, the music was still blaring loudly and people were everywhere. I tried not to touch anyone, saying excuse me as I tried to cross the room. There was a booth that I was sitting in and I left my stuff there. I saw that my bag and things were still there and rushed to check if anything was stolen. I pulled out my phone and tried to call Akira. But it went straight to voicemail. Then I thought about the police. I couldn't go to them. Those guys would come back. I grabbed my stuff and went back out through the front. I couldn't find Kouyou or Akira, so I started to walk home._

"Taka, wake up." I heard Akira's voice wake me up from my nightmare. My neck was stiff from sleeping on his shoulder for 3 hours. 

"What?" 

"I have to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to move while you were lying on me." He said getting up and walking to the back. I stretched and looked out the window. It was dark already, I slept more than 3 hours. I looked around first class, and the lights were dimmed so everyone should be asleep by now or at least in quiet mode. I looked behind me to see Akira walk into the bathroom. I didn't know the other people behind me but behind them were, Yuu and Tetsuya but there was space between them. I wondered if they were fighting at all. I turned back around and tried to sighed, trying to forget that I saw Tetsuya. What was going to happen when we landed in Tokyo. Will things go back to normal or will I have to make bring light up the situation. I wasn't ready to reveal anything to authorities or PS Company. I just wasn't. I looked out the window, looking at the multi-colored lights blinking of the plane's wing. Staring at them made my eyes heavy and I wondered if I could fall asleep again. Then, I felt Akira sit back down.

        "Still tired?" He asked. I nodded and I sighed as my previous thoughts clouded my mind again.

        "Akira. What's going to happen back home?"

        "You mean...?" I nodded. "Well, don't worry about it so much now. Kouyou and I are going to help you through everything."

        "How can you prove rape when it was committed months ago? Woudn't any evidence at all be gone by now?"

        "I think so, but I'm sure police deal with late reported rapes quite a bit. I'm not sure Taka. Sorry." I smiled, and kissed him on the lips. Putting my hand on his face, trying to comfort him. 

        "It's alright. We'll figure it out I guess." He nodded and took my hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        "Takanori-san! I'm so glad you returned safely. Someone has been eager to see you." I smiled and I saw Koron run up to me and slam himself into my leg. I got down and he coated my hands in saliva but I didn't care, I was so happy to see him. I picked him up and he rubbed himself all over my face and neck. Licking me until I felt as though I would need a bath afterwards. 

        "I missed you too." I whispered to him. "Thank you, so much for taking care of him. I owe a great deal."

        "It was no trouble at all! We had fun didn't we Koron?" He let out a small bark and then continued to his whining sound as he kept rubbing himself all over me. I got up, still holding him and she handed me his cage and other things. "Do you need help?" 

        "No, it's okay. I got it. Thank you again." I said leaving she waved at me as she closed the door. I put Koron down but he continued to intangle himself between my feet. I rolle dmy eyes and was in front of my door. I unlocked it and opened, watching Koron run into his home. My bags were already there since I'd dropped those off first before I picked him up from Ms. Akiyama. I set his things down by the door, figuring that I could put them in their proper place later. I sighed looking at my place, still intacked. Just the way I left it. Koron's endless barking didn't give me a headache like it used to but I hoped he would stop soon. I laughed to myself as I turned on the TV hoping it would calm him down. I went to the door to grab my bag and looked for my phone. I pulled it out and thought that I could give Akira a call and see how his flying rats were acting now that he was back home.

_"He-ello?"_  He said playfully. I could hear frantic chirping in the background.

        "I see that your bats are happy to see you." I said laughing.

_"Not as happy as your four legged Prince is. I can hear him through the phone!"_

        "Speak for yourself, with all that chirping, I'm surprised you haven't blown a fuse yet." He laughed and the chirping subsided. 

        _"Well, I'm not my bedroom right now, they'll be alright. How are you though? Happy to get settled in?"_  I nodded.

        "Yeah, and a week off should be good too. I want us to have a proper date." He chuckled.

        _"Of course. We can do what you want to do."_

        "No, surprise me. It'll be better that way. But there's one place I want to go."

_"Okay, name it."_  I exhaled. 

        "There's this park. And it-it has this pond that has light around it and it makes it glisten. Lighting up the entire area. That's where I would like to go." 

  _"Okay, you show me the way."_  

        "Alright." I said smiling through the tears I was hiding from him. _Why was I going back?_


	11. Moving Forward

  I was nervous but I was ready. Maybe that's why I was pacing the floor so much and checking to see if my hair and makeup was okay. Why was I so nervous? I've known him for years, but I guess this was different since we weren't hanging out as friends anymore. No, that was gone. Friendship out the window. We were actually going on a date. This was something I've wanted for a long time but why did I feel like backing out? At the last minute! I couldn't do that to Akira. I liked him too much for that. I really liked him. Koron could see my distress and I was so tuned into my own thoughts that I didn't even hear his senseless barking as he was walking around his empty food bowl. 

        "No, Koron I'm not hungry." What? "I mean, I'm sorry I'll feed you. What the hell was I thinking?" I sighed going into the kitchen and getting his food that was in a cupboard underneath the sink. It was a little light and I made a mental note to get him more food soon. I took the bag and poured a few cups into his bowl and he started eating right away. "Why are my thoughts so all over the place now?" There was a knock the door that almost made me drop the dog food. I hurried and put it in the cupboard, not bothering to close it and went to the door. I stopped and tried to calm down so I didn't look like I was just waiting for him. I opened the door and was blown away from the array of  total sexiness that stood before me. I had the sudden urge to slam the door back so I could scream in disbelief but I stopped myself and smiled after staring at his arms for 20 seconds. Who told you to wear short seleeve shirt? 

        "Hey, Taka sorry I'm late. My flying rats were causing a bit of a fuss." What did you say, I was too busy staring at your gorgeous face to pay attention. 

        "O-oh, it's fine. I was just feeding Koron myself." He smiled, and I was sure he could see how nervous I was. He liked this. 

        "Well, shall we get going then?" I nodded grabbing my bag. 

        "Bye, Koron. Be good." We approached the elevator and I stopped. A famaliar fear crept back into me but I shook it off quick enough before Akira could notice and went into the elevator with him. I stood close to him as the machine ventured down 5 floors to the ground floor. I didn't notice we were on the ground floor until that first outside breeze hit me and we weren't in the building anymore. 

        "Wait here." He said, placing a small kiss on my cheek as I assumed he went to go get his car. What a fucking gentleman. I smiled and waited for him to come back with a car. But I was wrong. I heard a strong, engine that could only belong to a motorcycle and he pulled up in front of me. 

        "No." 

        "Oh, come on! Are you scared?" 

        "I'm petrified! I'm not getting on that monster. You know how many motorcycle accidents happen a day!?" He got off, and pulled me towards the beast. He sat me down and got on in front of me. "Why am I doing this?" 

        "Because you got on so willingly!" He revved the engine. Show off, but it was hot. 

        "Where's your helmet?" I asked, as he gave me, apparently his. 

        "I don't need one!" And with that we took off. I held onto him for dear life. I couldn't hear anything but the rushing wind that took over my ears. And I refused to open my eyes.

        "How do you know which way we were supposed to go to get to the pond?" I yelled over the engine and wind. I was surprised he could hear me.

        "I knew what you were talking about." He said back, his voice was excited now. Probably the amount of adrenaline that was rushing through him as with zipped past cars and almost drifted through tight turns. I barely remember him stopping for a red light or stop sign, I was still in awe at the fact that I was riding a motorcycle with Akira. This entire night so far made me forget the entire reason why I wanted to come back...here. 

        We finally stopped and he parked on a curb. He got off first and helped me with the helmet. 

        "Sorry if it messed up your hair." He said trying not to laugh. I guessed it did mess up my hair. I tried to fix it without a mirror but I figured it was no use and stopped. "It's cute don't worry about it." He helped me off the bike and his eyes started to wander around. I got nervous. I hope he didn't recognize this place too much. 

        "Come on, I'll show you the pond!" I said, trying to distract him. He nodded and we held hands. We found the trail that lead to the park and there were lights leading us there. There weren't any lights that night. Everything was starting to come back to me and I started to coward out of going anywhere near the pond but I didn't want Akira to get angry if he knew I brought him here. 

"This place, seems famaliar." He finally broke the silence and stopped us as he looked behind and saw a building a little ways down. "Isn't that the place where we had that dumb part-." He stopped. He figured it out once his eyes trailed the way from the building to the park. "The park." I let go of his hand and backed away.

        "Aki, please. Don't be mad." I started shaking. 

        "W-why would you bring me here." No no no, you weren't supposed to recognize it. 

        "Please, let me explain." I began, tears fell down my cheeks. "I wanted to cover up the memory of this place with something nice. Please don't be mad." 

        "Taka- I- you shouldn't have brought me here." I went up to him, trying to calm him down. I hugged him, putting my ear on his chest. His heart beat was rapid and sounded like it would come bursting out of his chest. "We didn't have to come here. We should've went somewhere else. Come on." 

        "No! Akira please, I don't want to remember this anymore. I need you to help me forget it please!" 

        "I'm not going to go anywhere near that pond Takanori! And you aren't either, it isn't healthy! This isn't healthy!" He gestured to the both of us. 

        "Akira, please. I need you." My tears wouldn't stop falling. I put my hand on my forehead. "Please." He sighed, walked towards me and pulled me close. 

        "And I need you too. But not like this. You have to walk away from this Takanori. This isn't the step to moving forward. You do this, you'd be taking one step back."

        "Don't leave me please." 

        "I'm not going anywhere but we are. Let's get out of here." I finally agreed and we went back towards the city. Akira took me to this restuarant that had American food. Hard Rock Cafe Tokyo. I had an issue with new food. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        "You're going to try something new, okay? No more old." I sighed and smiled a little looking through the menu again. There were a few things that sounded good but at the same time I just wanted a simple spaghetti. 

        "Well, what are you getting?" 

        "Bacon Cheeseburger." He said smiling. I teased him by pretending to gag and looked at the menu more." 

        "Order for me."

        "Are you sure?" He smiled. I nodded.

        "Yeah, go ahead." He nodded and looked at the menu to pick something out for me. Our waitress came over after a few mintues of Akira looking over the menu again.

        "Hi, Welcome to the Hard Rock Cafe Tokyo. Have you guys been heere before?" 

        "I have." Akira started. "It's his first time." I smiled nervously. 

        "Okay, so can I get you." She said looking at Akira. I tuned them out to look at the amazing decor that covered their interior. It was gorgeous. There were guitars that used to be owned by legends hanging on the walls. All the TV screens were playing old rock videos which set the mood very well. I looked towards the entrance and saw a shop. I would love to go in and look around a little bit but someone caught my eye. I saw Yuu. I started on with confusion. Why was he here? Maybe this would be a good time to apologize for what happened on the tour. But right then I saw him again. Tetsuya. I turned around slowly, trying not to look draw attention to myself. 

        "Okay, I'll get those for you right away." 

        "Thank you." I heard Akira finish. I noticed that I was just staring at my glass thinking about Tetsuya. "Takanori, are you okay?" I looked at Akira and nodded. 

        "Yeah, just thinking about everything." 

        "Alright then. I'll be right back okay. I have to go to the bathroom." I nodded and smiled a fake smile as he got up, placing a kiss on my lips. Don't go. I saw a waiter walk by with Yuu and Tetsuya following him and they went up to the second level. I sighed wiht relief but the thought of them just in the restuarant was nerve wrecking. I looked up and saw Yuu smiling with Tetsuya. I thought they weren't talking to each other. I guess I was wrong. I tried to ignore them but soon enough their laughter was all I could hear. Then something possessed me to get up and walk to their table. The walk up the steps was excruciatingly long but once I was up there I was right in front of their table.

        "Takanori, what are you doing here?" Yuu started. He didn't sound annoyed, more like surprised and a little nervous because he knew that something would happen.

        "H-how could you bring him here?" I whispered, looking at Yuu only. I could feel Tetsuya's gaze burning me alive. 

        "Are you here with Akira? I'm really glad you're finally with him." Answer my question. I didn't say anything, tears forming in my eyes. "How could I have possibly known that you were here Takanori?" 

        "Why are you still with him?" 

        "I'm right here, Takanori. If you have something to say to me then say it." I eyes slowly went to Tetsuya. I balled my first up but stopped myself from throwing a punch at him. I felt two arms wrap around me, ever so gently pulling me back. I was thankful Akira found me before something was going to happen.

"You just sit there Tetsuya. We don't want to start anything."

        "He came up here acting like he wanted to." Tetsuya got closer to Akira, but I got in between. He wasn't going to hurt Akira. 

        "Come on Akira. I shouldn't have came up here." He took my hand and we went back to our table. I sighed, putting my head in my hands. 

        "You've got balls, to face him like that. But that was stupid." 

        "I know, I don't know what came over me." He moved his seat next to mine and put his arm over my shoulder, pulling me closer. 

        "You're finally moving forward." 


	12. We All Laughed

        Kouyou told Akira and I to come by his place today. We didn't expect to what we came to.  
  
        "Hi, are Matsumoto Takanori?" I nodded. The woman had a badge hanging from.her neck and held Akira's hand tighter.  
          
        "My name is Detective Isayama. Your friend, Kouyou called about a possible gangrape, and it involved you. Are you the victim." I felt Akira kiss me on my temple.  
  
        "I'm right here." He said, reassuring me that I wasn't alone. I saw Kouyou on the couch, giving me a warm smile. The Detective smiled gently.  
  
        "Yes. I am."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
        I've been waiting in this office for awhile now. I wanted Akira with me but they told me that this was strictly for me and the Detective. It was warm in her office, and everything was primarily a brown neutral color. It kept me calm a little. Her desk was very clean, except for a few paper here and there. She had three pictures on her desk of two girl and a little boy. I assumed they were her children. Folded my arms across my chest, trying to enclose myself from. the situation at hand, but I couldn't really hide from it anymore could I? It was finally happening. The door opened.  
  
        "Hello, Matsumoto-san. Sorry to keep you waiting. Do you want to start now? Or do you want to get to know me more?"  
  
        "Are those your children?" She smiled and walked behind her desk and sat down.  
  
        "Yes, they are. I have two daughters, 13 and 19. And one son, 11."  
                  
        "They're cute." I said smiling.  
  
        "Thank you. Is that all you want to know?"  
  
        "What kind of detective are you? Like do you deal with certain cases?"  
  
        "Yes, I'm part of SVU, Special Victims Unit. They deal with sexual assault on young or older victims."  
  
        "I'm not really young or old."  
  
        "Yes, but we're dealing with gang rape. Which is given only to SVU." I nodded.  
  
        "What made you want to be apart of SVU?" She grabbed the picture of her eldest daughter.  
  
        "This is my daughter, Yoshimi. When she was 15 she was attacked on her way home from a friend's house. I personally handled the case and threw the guy in jail for 15 to 20 years. Chance of parole but if he's able to come out, he'll never make it out in the world again. Registered sex offender."  
  
        "Good. Is she okay?"  
  
        "It takes time, but she's healed beautifully. And that's why I want to help you. You haven't had a proper amount of time to deal, and having this thrown at you again at a more serious level can be very distressing. Often times victims attempt suicide because of the pressure. That's why I'm going to need you to talk to whoever you can while this process unfolds. We have therapists on the clock for you to visit or call when something gets too out of control. And we want to encourage that you talk to your friends who know or a significant other if you have one."  
  
        "Yeah, I do. He's helping me a lot. I couldn't ask for anything better."  
  
        "That's great, exactly what I want to hear. I want to start by saying that we have arrested Ano Tetsuya for suspicions of first degree sexual assault. Now, I need you bear with me during this. I'm going to need you to go back and tell me the story from beginning to end. Then an attorney is going to come in and ask a few questions."  
  
        "Okay."  _He was arrested!? Actually arrested!?_  "Should I just start then?"  
  
        "When ever you're ready." I went all the way to the beginning. From the moment I arrived at the party to the moment I was limping home. There were times when I had to stop because my sobs wouldn't let me talk and she was patient. She was also strong, not breaking for a minute as I told what I remembered . It helped me finish the story knowing that she was a strong wall for me to lean on.  
  
        "Mr. Takashima and Suzuki were there too? But didn't see you leave?"  
  
        "I think they saw me leave, but didn't suspect anything would happen. It's not their fault what happened to me."  
  
        "Oh, I know. I'm sure they feel guilty? Have they told you anything like?"  
  
        "No."  
  
        "You should talk to them about it. A lot of times when friends or family aren't present when the assault occurs but saw a way of stopping it, they also blame themselves and have been known to go into depression for not being able to help."  
  
        "I don't want them to think that. It wasn't their fault."  
  
        "It's okay. I can talk to them if you want and then you can later. Okay?" I nodded. "Alright well, I'll bring the attorney in now. He has already questions Mr. Ano so when be questions you, he'll piece together the story."  
  
        "You believe me right?" She nodded, giving me a warm and reassuring smile

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        "Hello, Matsumoto-san. My name is Attorney Hatai Yamato.  
, I'm just going to ask a few questions and then you can leave. Well get right to it then. What happened that night? Plan and simple."  
  
        "I was raped."  
  
        "How many people were there?"  
  
        "Three."  
  
        "Were you drunk?"  
  
        "Um, yes."  
  
        "So, how do you know 3 people were there?"  
  
        "I remember three guys there. I wasn't wasted, just tipsy."  
  
        "Even so being buzzed even a little, do you think people still have accurate descion making?"  
  
        "No."  
  
        "Being drunk, you could have confessed to such conditions?"  
          
        "No, not at all."  
  
        "Why did it take you so long to come to the police?"  
  
        "I was scared because they said they would come back."  
                  
        "You know you made your own choice by drinking?"  
  
        "Yes. But that doesn't give anyone the right to rape me."  
  
        "But how can you call it rape when you choose to go with the accussed?"  
  
        "I didn't know what was going to happen. It was just him."  
  
        "So if it was just him, you wouldn't have called it rape?"  
  
        "Yes."  
  
        "But you said you thought it was just going to be him?"  
  
        "Doesn't mean I would have wanted to have sex with him."  
  
        "So in your confession you said you were faced down, how do you there were three people? It could have been less."  
  
        "Does it matter how many people were there?"  
  
        "Of course it matters how many people were there, you are accusing others of a serious crime. You do realize how serious this is? If you're lying it wouldn't end well for you."  
  
        "Y-yes, I know how serious this is." Tears fell from my face. I didn't want to break in front of him but his questions were too much. "Can we do this another time."  
  
        "No, I'm afraid we can't. So you walked back home?"  
  
        "Y-yes, I did."  
  
        "It didn't concern you of the dangers of walking alone? You could have set yourself up for another attack. Then it would have been your fault, don't you think?"  
  
        "Probably. Yeah." I cried.  
  
        "So, you're saying that it was your fault?"  
  
        "No, that's not- please stop."  
  
        "What makes one attack different from another?"  
  
        "I don't know." I cries harder.  
  
        "Could it have  been the way you were dressing that indicated you wanted sex?"  
  
        "I didn't want to have sex with anybody!"  
  
        "Well you were drunk, you may have consented which makes it sex. Not rape."  
  
        I didn't say anything.  
  
        "You story doesn't line up with the accused's story. How do I you aren't lying?"  
  
        "I'm not lying!"  
  
        He says it was just him and you wanted it as much as he did. How do you explain that?  
  
        "I didn't want anything! He and his friends raped me!"  
  
        "He said It was just you and him. There were no other guys."  
  
        "There were two other guys."  
  
        "Prove it then?"  
  
        "I don't know how."  
  
        "So you can't prove that you were gangraped?"  
  
        "No. I can't."  
          
        "You should've came sooner don't you agree? So we could perform a rape kit."  
  
        "Yes. Just forget it."  
  
        "So you want to drop the charges because you know you're lying?"  
  
        "I don't know!" I cried harder. Unable  to stop the tears from falling.  
  
        "Why are you crying? I thought you were innocent?  
Innocent people don't cry." I just cried. Why was he doing this? "Hey, relax. It'll be okay. I apologize for that. Those were questions we ask to crack the victim in case they were lying but you passed. You didn't lie, but I think the blame in this situation is misplaced. In any rape case, never is it the victims fault." He pulled some tissue out and a can of pop. "Here, drink this. The sugar will calm you down."  
  
        "Thank you." I wiped my tears with the tissues he gave me and sipped the pop.  
  
        "Drink more. You'll need more than a sip. Do you want to hear the accused side?" I nodded, drinking more of the pop.  
  
        "Well he states that you weren't drunk but either way, if you said you didn't want this at any point in time, it still doesn't say whether that it was consensual. He also claims that your gangrape accusation is false, which is at this point in time is inconclusive. He hasn't given us names or any other hints that would give him away. Do you remember what the other two looked like?"  
  
        "No but I think they were friends with each other."

        "You believe it may have been close friends with the accused?" I nodded. "Okay, well look into that right away. Trace everyone he's been in contact with 8 months ago and prior. Do you think if we brought in some worthy suspects you could point out one or two?"  
  
        "I can't promise any thing. But I can try."

        "That's as good enough of a promise as ever. Just know they'll be suspects and they'll be in question like you and the accused. If one of then turns themselves in, that would be great and in rape cases usually the attackers turn themselves in  _if_  they had some shred of human decency left in them. Hopefully it'll be the case with this, either way we'll get them. To be honest, we've been seeing cases like this for the past 6 months. There may be a connection. There have been other females and males that have been victims to gang rape lately but they couldn't remember as much you can. We checked you for any venereal diseases and thankfully all of them came back negative. You gave us permission to do a full body inspection in case there was anything left and we found long term bruising around your inner thighs and around your anus. There wasn't very much else but these guys seemed sloppy enough to leave bruising on you. Unlike the other cases." I sighed and he helped me up. "Okay. We're done for today. We'll call periodically as things change or turn up. But no more questions, you don't even have to be present for the court case. That's a choice for cases like this." I smiled and he opened the door for me to leave.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
        I was finally able to leave the office and cool air of the hallway was inviting. I didn't want to be in that stuffy office anymore, it was suffocating me.  
  
        "This way, Matsumoto-san." He lead me towards the entrance where Akira, Kouyou, and Yutaka were waiting for me. Yutaka hugged, nearly squeezing the life out of me.  
"Why the hell didn't you tell me?" He asked, his voice heavy with tears. I hugged him back tightly. I didn't want to let him go. I missed him so much.  
  
        "I'm sorry." My voice was muffled since I was burying my face into shirt. "I'm sorry Yu-chan." He chuckled.  
  
        "I missed you calling me that. I missed you."  
  
        "I missed you too." We both pulled away and I wiped my tears. I felt so light. "Where's Yuu?"  
  
        "He's outside. He didn't know what to say to you."  
  
        "I don't care, I just want to see  him." I said walking past everyone and going outside. I saw Yuu smoking a cigarette but he looked like he was crying. "Yuu?" He threw he cigarette out ans turned to me. I didn't care if he was angry at me or anything. I was just glad he was here. He walked over to me and I readied myself for anything. But he hugged me.  
  
        "I don't know what to say."  
  
        "Don't worry about that. I don't care. You're here."  
          
        "I'm sorry Takanori. I believed you when you told me, but I was scared."  
  
        "I know, it's alright."  
          
        "Group hug?" I heard Kouyou's voice ask and that when I pulled away.  
  
        "No, no thanks. Separate hugs are fine." But I was ignored. And all of them surrounded me. "Okay, this is nice." Silence. "Okay, it's getting weird now." Akira snickered. Which caused a round of laughter from all of us.  
          
        "Akira, know how to ruin a moment." Yuu said.  
  
        "Oh shut up cry baby." Akira replied.  
  
        "We were all crying!" I said. "But I'm done crying, I don't want to cry over this anymore." I held Akira's hand. "I'm going to start over. Brand new." I said, looking at Akira and he gave me a quick kiss on the lips.  
  
        "Ew." Kouyou and You said simultaneously. We all laughed. We. All. Laughed.


	13. Break Me

  I woke up, sweating. My shirt clung to me with a death-like grip and my breathing was starting to make my chest hurt. A sob escaped my lips, and tears rolled down my cheeks, burning my late adjusting eyes. It was so dark in my room, so silent. The only sounds that echoed around were the sounds of me crying. I had a terrible nightmare but I couldn't remember what it was. It had to have been horrifying to make me cry like this. I reached over to my right and turned my lamp on. I couldn't go back to sleep like this. I got out of bed and left my room. I thought maybe some tea would help me. Maybe chamomile to help me go back to sleep. 

        There's been so much police work that I've been questioning on whether to let it go on still. I've seen a total of 15 suspects and I couldn't be sure whether or not any of them were the other two that were there that night. Detective Isayama says that I don't need to feel pressured, but I do. Whether or not it was the guys I've been shown, those guys are convicted rapist as well and it made me sick. I grabbed my empty tea kettle that was setting on the stove and put underneath the faucet. I looked at the clock that was on my microwave. 

        "4:02am." I had to get up at 6 to go down to the police department for some psychiatric work. Maybe this nightmare won't be the last and they would want me to talk about it. But I didn't want to talk about it, I was already have problems with this whole situation. I kept getting nervous about if I ever saw Tetsuya at all, what would happen to me. I felt a hot sting on my hand and saw that the kettle was overfilling. "Shit." I said, turning the faucet off and pouring some of the water out. I put the kettle on the stove and walked into my living room and laid down on the couch. I sighed, looking at my slightly red hand. It didn't but it was a reminder of what happened at the sink. Sort of like the bruises below my waist that was found by the doctors. They didn't hurt, but they were a reminder of what happened to me. 

        Akira wasn't awake at this hour. No one was but I wanted someone to talk to. Someone to hold me. I just closed my eyes and tried to relax. The living room was cool compare to the stifulling heat that was in my bedroom. I thought about sleeping in here insted, maybe falling asleep to a movie. But that wasn't needed, as the new environment, and cool air was making me comfortable enough that I didn't recognize the whistling of the kettle. I laid there, listening to it getting louder and louder but as it did, I kept falling asleep even more. Then I heard hissing, like the water was going over and touch the hot burner top. I shot straight up and remembered that I was making tea. I ran over to the stove and took the kettle of and put it in the sink, and then turning off the stove. I heard my phone start to ring from my bedroom, and my heart leaped. I walked into the bedroom, and stood at the door. I saw my phone move across the bedside table as it vibrated. I grabbed it quickly before it stopped. 

        "Hello?" I asked, my voice sounded tired and raspy. 

        "Matsumoto-san, this is Detective Isayama. I'm sorry if I woke you but I have some news." 

        "Y-yes?"

        "One of Mr. Ano's accomplices has turned themselves in." 

        "R-really?" Was all I could say.

        "Yes, I need you to come down to the station later and answer some questions, maybe verify his part in your attack. I believe if you saw him, you would be able to recognize him." 

        "Okay, I will. What time?"

        "10:00am should be good." 

        "Alright, I'll be there. Goodbye."

        "Goodbye." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        "Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be quick and easy." Akira reassured me but I knew he was just trying to make me feel better. It was the thought that counted but didn't really help me get over the nerves I was feeling. "I wish I could go with you, so you didn't have to face this alone." I was happy he said that. We were inside the police station and Detective Isayama greeted us, along side Attorney Yamato. I didn't loosen my grip from Akira's hand but I knew I had to. 

        "Good morning Matsumoto-san." Yamato greeted. He nodded at Akira who nodded back, and slowly let my hand go. I looked back before I had to go with the Detective and Attorney. Looking at Akira as he looked at me. I have to face this alone. "We're going to a different room than before, an interrogation room. Detective Isayama will be with you, and I'll be in the room next door with the suspect. He's already confessed to attacking you, and your stories are matching up. But he still hasn't revealed the name of the third person." 

        "But he did say Mr. Ano was the leader. Would you agree?" Isayama asked. 

        "Yes." We went down an isolated hallway, with lights a few feet apart from eachother, making the everyone who came down here shadow's look creepy. Isayama opened a silver door that only had a table and two chairs in the room, and one bright light. 

        "After you, Matsumoto-san." I nodded and headed in and she came after I did. Closing the door. "Alright, while Attorney Yamato is doing more questioning. I'm going to tell you what to expect from here on out. Mr. Ano, and our new suspect, Mr. Touka are going to be given a trial. And with the way things are going now, they're looking at 25 to life since Mr. Touka has admitted to have been part of a series of attacks that has been going around. Mr. Ano still hasn't said anything, and will refuse to talk...until he see you." 

        "What?" I asked, chills crawling up my arms and back. 

        "He said he won't talk until he sees you. It's permitted though so don't worry about that. We have other ways in getting him to talk." 

        "But why me?" She sighed as if she were reluctant to tell me the reason. 

        "He claims that he would help you remember what truly happened, saying that you agreed to such terms and there wasn't a struggle." I exhaled, and my eyes began to burn. Why would he say that? He knows I tried to fight him off. I kept kicking him in the shin--.

        "Looks at his legs. Have you done that?" 

        "What?" She asked. 

         "H-his legs, he may have bruise or several on one of his legs. I remember kicking him in his legs. He fell down because of it and one of them punched me."

        "Ah, that would be Mr. Touka. When he was telling his confession, he mentioned hitting you in the head. But you recovered from that." 

        "Yes. And Tetsuya should have bruises on either of his legs. U-unless I didn't kick him that hard."

        "You kicked him hard enough to fall. We can give him X-rays and look at tissue damaging. That should show us some evidence. It looks like well get Mr. Ano to confess soon enough!" She said excitedly, and I was happy too but then I had a thought.

        "You know, could I ask something of you?"

        "Sure." 

        "Is there a way, I could ask him something?" She sighed.

        "Uhh, I don't think that's a good idea. Who knows what he'll say to you. I don't want you anymore traumatized than you are now."

        "I don't think that's possible. But I need to know why. Why he choose me to go after? I know it wasn't because I was drunk, half the people at the party were more wasted than I was."

        "Maybe your fame?" I nodded, considering that it could've been because I'm Ruki from the GazettE. But I'm not just Ruki, I'm Takanori too and he was around musicians all the time, being a stylist and all. Was there more to it?

        "I don't know, that seems too easy." She chuckled.

        "When did you become the detective?" She smiled, I smiled as well. "Well, if you really want to, but you won't be alone. At all. In fact, you won't even be in the same room." I looked at her confused. "Come on, the questioning of Mr. Touka may take awhile, so we could go ask Mr. Ano now." I nodded, getting up and we left the room quickly. 

        Once we were out of that ominous hallway, we entered a busy part of the station. It was loud and phones were going off from every direction. I stayed close to her so I wouldn't get caught up in the chaos. We were let into a locked area of the station, that was entrance to the holding cells. 

        "Well, be moving to the pennitentary as his trial goes on but he's been here until he confesses, which he will." Isayama told me before we walked up to a man that was surrounded by bullet proof glass. It made me nervous. "Make sure your phone is off." She told me before she started asking permission to enter the holding cell area. It reminded me of the times Akira told me to put my phone on airplane mode and I smiled, looking down at my phone to turn it off. I saw that I got a text from Akira. 

_**AKIRA: I LOVE YOU.** _

        My smile grew, and I turned my phone down and put it back in my bag. "Okay, stay here." I nodded, and stepped back as she was let into "the cage" as I heard them call it. When the door opened I could hear some people arguing and it made me wonder if Tetsuya was one of them. But then the door closed, and it was silent. The man that was behind the glass told me to sit down on the bench that by the exit. I nodded and went over, sitting down. I was incredibly nervous but it wasn't like before. During the world tour, I could practically faint at the sound of his name, now... it only fueled me. With anger. And hate. I was afraid anymore, I was angry. I hated him, all of them. I put my hands together and squeezed them, trying not to get up and lash at something or someone. Why me? That's what I was dying to ask him. It was like a thirst that needed to be quenched, I needed answers. Especially from him. The door opened again, and Detective Isayama came out and closed it. "Alright, this way." 

        I got up and followed her quickly and we went back out to the chaos of the police station but we headed towards a big area that looked like a cafeteria. But it was empty, except for Isayama, me, and... 

        "I changed my mind. I think a more personal experience is needed." There were two guards that were next to him and they told him to sit at one of the tables. I kept walking closer, his burning gaze was filled with anger, and sense of betrayal. Because I didn't keep my promise of not going to the police. Isayama stopped me and moved me back. In my mind we were still too close. He was wearing what looked like just causal clothes but I doubted he was allowed to change too much. He was handcuffed in the front and he looked dishelved. Like this entire situation has turned his world upside down. 

        "W-hyy..?" I asked, almost instantly crying. He put his head down, as if he were trying to find the right words.

        "Just tell them the truth."

        "I am! Why aren't you? You knew what you did to me!" I moved closed but Isayama pulled me back. I cried, rubbing my eyes. I sat down at a table and only sobs escaped my lips. It hurt my stomach, and my lungs...and my heart. Everything hurt. I thought I would feel better doing this. A hand touched my shoulder.

        "Takanori, I looked at Mr.Ano's legs. He has slight discolor on his left shin that may indicate a healing bruise."

        "That doesn't prove shit!" Tetsuya screamed, almost jumping out of his seat. It startled me, causing me to stop crying, and look at him through my teary vision. 

        "I kicked you numerous times as you tried to hold me down!" I screamed back at him. "How can you live with yourself after raping someone! And getting your friends to go along with it?" 

        "I didn't rape...anyone." He said, gritting his teeth. His voice was shaking as if he were about to cry. I was breaking him. I stood back up, wiping my tears. 

        "Now it's my turn." I started. "You raped me, and I'm done running from it and you. Touka-san already confessed, and he said you were there too! And there was another person as well. Who was that!?" His eyes widened when he heard me mention Touka and Isayama pulled me back as I was getting closer to Tetsuya.

        "I didn't rape anyone! You're lying about this entire thing!" He yelled. 

        "Please, just tell them who else was there!" 

        "Fuck off." Isayama came in.

        "Mr. Ano, you do know lying at this point will do you no good because both of Mr. Touka's and Takanori's stories add up perfectly, and yours...doesn't. Takanori admitted he was drunk and since you didn't have consent because of of that, it's still considered rape. Takanori was under the influence and followed you because he wasn't all the way there. Do you deny all of that?"

        "Yes. I do."

        "So, you deny that he was drunk? Because we have witnesses that say he was intoxicated. Too intoxicated to make decisions for himself, especially consenting to a form of orgy. Mr. Touka also confessed that Takanori repeatedly said 'no' and tried to fight you guys off. Do you deny that?"

         _Silence_

"Or the bruising on Takanori?"

        "Shut up." He said shakily.  _Break him._

"What about the two women that were raped in the month of June? Ms. Itsuaki and Ms. Seiichi? You remember them don't you? You had a relationship with Ms. Seiichi, but she broke up with you because you were too controlling. You seem like the controlling type. And you wanted to get back at her by have your 'crew' attack her and her friend, Ms. Itsuaki? Disgusting."

        "Shut up! Shut up! You just fucking shut your mouth you bitch!" He got up approaching her but she didn't budge as she trusted the guards the hold him down. They were quick to grab him and threw him the ground. Uncuffing him from the front and quickly pulling his arm behind him, cuffing him from behind. "Fine, fine fine alright! Alright, I did. It was me." 

        "Why?" I asked, and he was taken back that I was the one that spoke.

        "B-because you, you deserved it. You flaunt it all on stage but you never gave it up so I took it. You fucking deserved it." He said, laughing. The guards, pulled him up and practically dragged him back to his cell. Everything went silent and Isayama sat down next to me. 

        "You okay?"

        "Thank you! So much, for everythng!" I cried, hugging her. She was surprised but hugged back.

        "Of course, and I will continue to do everything in my power to catch the last man and get all them locked up." I nodded, letting her go.

 

_**We were almost there.** _

        

  


	14. All Cards On The Table

I was trying to stay awake for the sake of Akira, but even his movie choice could put me to sleep. And being underneath a blanket, snuggled next to him on my couch didn't help much at all. I suggested that we should have a night-in instead of going out so we could save money. I knew he could tell I was lying. I was never shy when it came to spending money, and he even agreed to go shopping with me. But I called him last minute asking him to just come over instead. Truthfully, I didn't want to go out because of what happened the other day. Seeing Tetsuya scared me but I couldn't make the association with my fear of going out. When he told me why he had done what he did, I felt...disgusting, like I shouldn't be seen outside.  _I flaunt myself?_  That was his excuse for raping me, and maybe he was right. I did portray myself sexually on stage but I didn't do it to aggravate anyone's sexual drive. I closed my eyes, and gave up on trying to fight it until Akira spoke.

        "Are you okay? You're very quiet." He spoke into my neck, it was almost a whisper but loud enough for me to stop dozing off. 

        "Uh, just tired. Sorry I'll try to stay awake." I don't get Akira's obsession with Bruce Willis. We had already watched Die Hard and Die Hard 2, now the third one. It was getting late. I sat up slowly giving Akira a way to position himself with my body being in front of him. "I'm going to go to the bathroom."  _Here I go again._  

        "Okay." I got up and headed towards my bathroom. Closing the door, I could feel tears fall, almost burning my cheeks. I didn't make a sound. I taught myself how to cry without making any real noise besides sniffing. I've cried every night since my confrontation with Tetsuya and that was almost 3 weeks ago. I didn't really cry for too long, normally just for a minute or two. It was almost like my body needed to reboot itself by letting tears shed, I don't know. I just know that I'm getting really sick and tired of my tears. I looked in the mirror as I watched them continue to pour out of eyes. Some people may not like the way their face looks when they're, not saying I do but I've gotten used to. I'm so used to it that I either put waterproof eyeliner on or not bother putting any on at all. My face was getting red but I'm assuming it's because I'm holding my sobs in. I tried to breath but it came out raged. I turned the faucet on to try and cover up a small sob I let escape my lips.  _I flaunt myself!?_ I let that thought sneak it's way in. It angered me. Because of the way I present myself for my fans, I got raped. This was probably the kind of stuff the detective warned me about when she said I should talk to people. But I think everyone is tired of hearing it. I called Yutaka yesterday. Or more like this morning around 4 because I couldn't sleep. I honestly believed he tried to listen to me, but he was tired so when he fell asleep I hung up. "Babe?"

        "Yeah?"

        "You might not want to run your faucet for so long." He said, with a laugh at the end.  _Shit!_ I turned to faucet off, using the water that was on my hands to wipe my face. I grabbed a towel and dried my face, opening the door and trying to hide my face from Akira. 

        "Sorry, you can go in now." I said, my voice muffled from hiding in the towel but he stopped me. 

        "Okay, what's wrong?" I shook my head, the tears threatening to come out again. "You don't want me to know?" I moved the towel.

        "Nothing's wrong, I just washed my face, okay?" I went into my room and sat on my bed. He looked back at me from the hallway. He walked in my room slowly, probably thinking of a way to say what he wanted. "Akira, come on. Sit down, I'll do the talking." He sighed and sat next me. 

        "Okay, what's wrong then?" 

        "I don't know. I-I mean, it's just that--" I sighed, trying to put my words together. "Do you think I 'flaunt' myself on stage or off stage? And be honest." 

        "Well, a little but I like it." He said with a smirk.

        "Tetsuya said it was because I flaunt myself that I was raped." There was silence between us. "Akira, maybe we're moving too fast. I don't feel as if I am being 100% committed to this relationship. I haven't been myself at all and I don't want to do this with you unless I know for sure it's something I want and not just because I'm...vulnerable. You understand?" He nodded but didn't say anything. "Please say something."

        "I understand Taka."  _Say something other than that Akira! Convince me otherwise!_ "If you need a break from this, then okay." I smiled at him as he got up.

        "It is late though, you can stay here if you want?" 

        "It may be a little harder for us to separate if I stay the night." 

        "Just for tonight." 

        "Alright then." I got under the blanket and sheets and moved over so he would have room. I threw my towel on the ground and then moved closer to Akira. He accepted me by lying his arm over me, pulling me in closer. My face was pressed against his neck and I knew it was only a matter of minutes before I would be out cold. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        I woke up in a cold, light bed. Lying on my back, I began to stretch to find my out my fears were true. It wasn't just a dream in which I stupidly told Akira we should stop seeing each other for awhile. I opened my eyes and looked over to see a small note right above where my hand was. I didn't want to read it  but I picked it up anyway. 

        _I love you._  


  
Was all it said, and enough to make me choke on a sob. He was definitely making this harder now, but I want to be fair to him. He's felt this way for such a long time and I have too but I don't want this to built solely on what happened. I pushed the sheets off of myself, swinging my legs over the bed and sat on the edge. I rubbed my eyes trying to wake up, and I glanced at the clock in the side of my bed. 10:34am. I felt like I was supposed to do something important today but I couldn't remember what it was. Deciding that I would think of it later, I got up and headed to the bathroom, almost tripping over Koron on my way there. Before I could leave my room, my cell phone went off and it sounded like a text. I went back over to my bed and found my phone smothered underneath my blankets. It was text from Yuu. My heart suddenly stopped. 

        **YUU:Good morning, are you busy today?**  


  
Anxiety rushed over me as I looked at each word. It was a clear sign that if I responded with a 'no' then he would suggest we do something together. I didn't want to lie nor did I want to go out today. But maybe we needed to break this awkwardness between us. I said what I needed to say the other day but maybe he still needed to say something to me. I didn't have very much interest in hearing more apologies today. 'No, but I don't want anymore sympathy from you. I already forgave you.' I replied back. Hopefully he doesn't take that the wrong way. Words like that are meant to be spoken not tested. I came out of the bathroom after having brushed my teeth and went into my living room. Sitting on the couch staring at the TV, wanting for my phone to buzz in my hand. Thoughts of Akira rushed in and my heart jumped. This was good for us, right? We needed this sort of separation. At least, I did. I needed to make sure my feelings for him were true and not out of desperation. I hoped he wasn't taking it too hard but then again, I would like for him to miss me. My phone buzzed again, and I almost dropped it from the anticipation of Yuu's reply. 

         **YUU: I understand. I just wanted to hang out. Can we have lunch together?**  

        Maybe I should ask him over. I could make him something. But then again, I'm a terrible cook. I got up and walked to the window next to my TV. It was sunny outside, a nice day to have lunch. Maybe outside even. I sucked in some air and gave in to Yuu's request. _'Yeah, we can. Where and what time?'_ I ventured back to my bedroom so I could start getting ready. Not being too energized for the last minute plans, I decided to wear a simple t-shirt and some black jeans. My phone buzzed again as I pulled my shirt over my head. I went over to my bed, where I set it down and looked at where Yuu was planning on meeting me at. 

         **YUU: Can I get you in a half an hour?**  


  
_'Sure.'_ I replied to him and continued getting dressed. Koron came rushing in, pacing and I knew that was usually a sign for food. I was just glad that he didn't start barking. 

        "Alright Koron, alright." I pulled my pants on and went to the kitchen where his bowl was by the sink. I had butterflies in my stomach at the thought of going out with Yuu today.  _Going out._ I gasped, spilling half of Koron's food on the floor. He began to eat it off the ground. "Koron, don't that's gross." I said trying to pick up some of the food before he ate but he was fast. I sighed giving up, and tried to clean up food that spilled on the counter.  _Ugh I'm over thinking this._ He just wants to hang out and that's all. To think that Yuu was even interested in me was ridiculous. I filled Koron's bowl up properly and put it down on the ground for him.  _11:30._ It's been twenty minutes since I last thought about Akira. That wasn't so hard. Just be occupied, hang out with friends. I'm sure I can go longer when I'm out with Yuu today. I went to back to my bedroom to get a jacket and my bag. I grabbed my phone to see if Yuu had called or texted me. 

         **YUU: I'm here.**  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        "How have you been feeling?" Yuu asked as we walked into the restaurant. The ride here was quiet which was unnerving but I'd rather him start off by talking about something other than how I was feeling. But I guess he was being considerate and I should give him props for that at least.

        "I've actually been pretty...numb." I said with a forced chuckle, in my morbid way of trying to lighten the mood up. "Just trying to do life each day at a time."

        "Have you talked to anyone about it. Like say, Akira? You and him are together right?" A sharp pain hit me and I stopped walking for a bit. Yuu looked back and grabbed my hand, pulling me over to our booth. "What's wrong? Has he not been helping you through this?"

        "Of course! But it's just that we've sort of stopped seeing each other for awhile. Like a break." 

        'What!? Why?" He asked, almost yelling. Our waitress arrived before I had time to give him a response.

        "Hello, my name is Touka and I'll be your server. Can I start either of you off with a drink?" 

        "I'll take lemonade." Yuu responded with a smile. 

       "Same." I told her and she smiled, putting her notepad away as she walked towards the back. I sighed when she was out of sight and looked about at Yuu. His face demanded an answer on my relationship status with Akira. "Well... I haven't been feeling myself lately, and I want to make sure my feelings for him are true and also because I've been so depressed lately...he doesn't deserve someone like that. Like me."

        "But Akira loves you. Like really loves you. Come to think of it, you never really say it back. Could it be that you don't love Akira?"

        "That's why I'm doing this. I need to know if I love him, and right now I don't."

        "And why didn't you just tell him that?" 

        "Because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but to be honest I think what I did was a lot worse than this." I sighed, rubbing my eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing." Yuu reached over to me, bringing my hands down from my eyes. 

        "You're not doing so bad, trust me. You do know how to pick them though." He laughed. "You have someone that really cares and loves you." He did love me but how could I love him back when I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror?

**N/A: Sorry for the long wait, and I apologize but this is just a filler chapter to get things moving and it may be a little boring.**


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